Eat Your Heart Out, Ponce de León

Juan Ponce de León would be proud. Five centuries after his infamous search for the Fountain of Youth landed him in Florida, the allusive fountain has finally been found. In a plastic surgeon’s office. You want evidence? I give you Exhibit A:

Jackie Stallone at the Expendables 2 premiere.

Sure, Sylvester Stallone’s mom, Jackie, looks a hot mess, but she looks like a hot mess in her 70s. Would it surprise you to hear, then, that this woman, the woman who sired Rocky, is actually 90?!

Apparently all the collagen, saline, and Botox have had an embalming effect on her body. She may scare small children, but she will never age. And, in the end, isn’t that all that really matters? I guess in that respect, the world hasn’t changed much in the last 500 years.