Charlie and the Royal Baby Factory

Are you royal family-ed out yet? Boy, I am. So much so, in fact, that I actually hate myself for this post. I really do. There has already been way too much royal family coverage; but, unfortunately, before we can finally move on to a new chapter of this overpublicized “fairytale,” there’s one last issue left to discuss: The name bestowed upon the daughter of the two most perfect people in the world.

You’ve probably already heard the exciting news, but it’s just so thrilling that it bears repeating. Baby Girl Cambridge will now and forevermore be known as Charlotte Elizabeth Diana or, if you’re feeling formal, Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. 

Little person. Big name.

Apparently Charlotte wasn’t really a surprising choice for those in the know. Some say she’s named for William’s dad, Charles, but I’m not sure. “Inside sources” are reporting that Prince Charles is being blocked from seeing his grandson (and most likely now his granddaughter) by, you guessed it, Calculating Carole Meddleton. It is her goal, they say, to cut George’s father’s family, i.e. the royal family, out of his life. (And as you can imagine, Grandpa Chuck is none too happy about it.)

I don’t find this so hard to believe. William shirked the royal tradition of Christmas with the queen to spend Christmas with the Middletons. He also chose to go on vacation with his in-laws as opposed to a memorial service for the queen’s beloved mother and sister. In fact, Wills has repeatedly shown that he’s a Middleton and not a royal. Which is fine. He doesn’t want to take on royal duties? Great. He doesn’t want to spend time with the royal family? Fantastic. He doesn’t want to be photographed? No problem. Then he should take his normal family and retire to a normal house in the country that he, himself, pays for. Or just go live with the in-laws. Whatever. Just stop living off the public teat while simultaneously rejecting everything royal.

That will never happen, of course, because although William may not enjoy being a royal, Kate and her mom very much do. They obviously love the attention. Were Wills to abdicate, not only would he lose the claim to the throne, but probably also his wife and adopted family.

But back to the baby’s name.

Yes, Charlotte is the feminine form of Charles, but it is also the middle name of Kate’s equally as worthless sister, Pippa. I think it’s much more likely that this was the inspiration. Baby Charlotte is a Middleton after all.

As for the choices of Elizabeth and Diana, well, they’re fairly self-explanatory and not in the least bit surprising.

Also not surprising, but certainly creating a lot of chatter is Charlotte’s birth certificate – or, more specifically, the occupation listed for her parents. You ready for this? You might want to sit down. It’s almost too ridiculous and nauseating to repeat.

Her father’s job is listed as, wait for it, Prince of the United Kingdom and her mother’s? You guessed it: Princess of the United Kingdom. Since royal titles are apparently considered occupations, I would like my new job to be Princess of Awesome, Master of the Universe. I would also like to get paid – a lot – for being awesome. And a princess.

Who do I see about that?

And, not to sound like a broken record, but if you list something as your occupation, shouldn’t that mean that you actually have, and perform, job duties under that title? Isn’t that what a job is? His job is to be a prince, but he doesn’t do anything princely. Likewise with his wife. Well, except that whole superior-acting thing.

It occurred to me, after reading article after article about this do-nothing duo and their new baby (it’s tough, but I do it for you, ATG Nation), that royalty is a strange thing. These people have done absolutely nothing, not one thing, to earn their position. They live the most privileged lives imaginable, are worshiped across the universe, are considered role models to be emulated, and because of what? Because they were born? At least Kim Kardashian let someone pee on her. These folks have done absolutely nothing except manage to successfully navigate the birth canal.

If they’re attractive, they get a pass for being worthless (see: Kate Middleton) and are, in fact, lauded for being an asset to the royal family – a role model even. But God help them if they are even slightly less aesthetically appealing (see: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie). Those girls can’t put a foot right in the eyes of the public. Even while they were in school, working on degrees (i.e. actually doing something), they were being criticized for their laziness.

One of these women is praised daily for her impeccable fashion sense; the other was absolutely massacred in the press for hers. Can you honestly tell from these photos which is which? They both appear to have satellite dishes attached to their heads.

Apparently, despite the Ted Bundys and Scott Petersons of the world, people still believe that being pretty on the outside equates to being pretty on the inside.

Listen, I get it. I too once subscribed to this theory.

Then again, I was five.

Think Pink

Well, it happened. Again. It was inevitable I suppose. What goes in must come out.

And so it was with great fanfare that the world was introduced to Kate Middleton's only latest achievement: Baby Girl Cambridge.

I get it. This is a very big deal. I totally understand why people were camped out outside the hospital for weeks leading up to the birth. It makes total sense. They were simply hoping to catch a glimpse of what few have ever witnessed: The Deficient Duchess actually doing something, i.e. performing one of her royal duties. Over the years, people have come to believe that a working duchess, much like Bigfoot or Nessie, is a mythical creature.

And this is precisely why any actual effort, any work, on the part of the do-nothing duchess is honored with a national holiday and 21-gun salute. 

Her work is so hard. I don't envy her a bit.

Not long after the official announcement of the royal family's latest addition, came the official photo op. This child was not even 12 hours old and was already starring in her first photo shoot. Fans across the globe and unrestricted access to the SGP? What a life.

People were practically wetting themselves at the thought of seeing this as-yet unnamed princess. Obviously I, too, was giddy with excitement. What kind of incredible creature would the two most perfect beings in the history of the world create? I must admit, I was slightly disappointed. She looked a bit, well, normal. She wasn't radiating gold rays or levitating or anything.

In fact, the fourth in line to the throne looks pretty much like any other baby, which I guess isn't entirely shocking. In my experience, all newborns basically look alike. They all essentially look like Alfred Hitchcock – minus the tie. That said, it didn't take the sycophants long to start comparing the newest princess to Queen Elizabeth, which makes sense I suppose. No disrespect to Her Majesty, but, again, pretty much all newborn babies look like old people – specifically old men (see: Alfred Hitchcock).

A Little Princess or the Master of Suspense? You decide.

While we're on the topic of looks, let's discuss Kate's appearance shall we? Everyone else is. “How does she do it?” seems to be a trending topic on Twitter. This, of course, refers to Kate's ability to look model-ready a mere 10 hours after giving birth. Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: She doesn't do it. Her people do it. And she has a lot of people. Plus, she lives the most pampered life imaginable. Does she look good? Sure. But who wouldn't, given the same tools? Some may even look better. (I know that's blasphemous to say, but sometimes the truth is both hurtful and sacrilegious.) 

#HowDoesSheDoIt?

For the record, could someone please explain the blind adoration people have for this woman? That's not a rhetorical question. I would really like to know. I mean, obviously she's superior to every one of us in every single way, but still, she's only human. 

Here they are, looking perfect as usual.

Prince George made an appearance as well.

And to show, yet again, how common they really are, Kate and William Middleton have decided not to employ a second nanny to care for this second baby. They are of course being heralded for this down-to-earth decision, but it kind of makes sense. Who needs a nanny when you have a Meddling Ma Middleton? Rumor has it that she and Kate's dad have already made themselves more than comfortable in the humble accommodations at Anmer Hall, the quaint dwelling that Kate will also soon be occupying.

Because the Meddletons' move could potentially be seen by hateful cynics such as myself as yet more pushiness by Calculating Carole, it was quickly spun as an entirely altruistic move on Carole's part. She was just stepping in, you see, out of the goodness of her beautiful heart, to act as royal housekeeper after the mansion's former caretakers made a speedy exit. (Obviously Kate can't be expected to take care of the house and the babies; she only has one nanny after all.) Not-so-surprisingly, the “spin” wasn't entirely accurate; the role Carole has truly taken on is more that of house manager. This means she gets to boss the rest of the staff around while simultaneously acting superior, two things that I'm fairly certain she has plenty of practice at. But honestly would you expect anything less? Obviously the future king's grandmum isn't going to spend her days washing dishes and scrubbing floors.

Those of you who are worried that Ma Meddleton may be overexerting herself, fear not. The Cambridges are doing everything in their power to find replacement staff in order to relieve Lady Middleton of her pressure-filled “duties.” They have even gone so far as to place an ad in the classifieds of The Lady, an upscale English magazine. If you're interested in applying and are curious about what your duties would be, here's a little taste:

Main duties will include: cleaning all areas of the house to a high standard; caring for and maintaining the home owners' clothing; cleaning silverware and glassware; purchasing groceries and general provisions for the house; and dealing with deliveries.  On occasions, the role will also involve the preparation of meals, assisting with childcare and caring for dogs. 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these all things that Kate has been praised for doing herself, because she's so “real” and “down-to-earth”? And if Kate's already handling all of it, then this housekeeping job is quite possibly the easiest job IN THE WORLD (second only to being the Duchess of Cambridge). Maybe I'll apply for it myself. ATG infiltrating the royal family? Imagine the possibilities!

And on that note, I'm off to update my CV.

And to learn how to cook.

Just in case.

Hands in the Cookie Jar

Sometimes I’m really glad I don’t live in Colorado. Don't get me wrong, Colorado has some fantastic attributes: air that is fresh (and sometimes pot-filled), views that are breathtaking, and, periodically, a really great football team. It could be heaven. It can also be hell: an Oreo-free hell. (Is there any other kind?)

First, you must know that the ATG girls love us some Oreos. In fact, this decades-long friendship was essentially born over Oreo scarfing and Jenny Jones watching. I don’t eat these delicious treats much anymore, but I will always have fond feelings towards them (especially ones straight out of the freezer…A-MAZING).

But you know who apparently doesn’t have fond feelings towards Oreos? Coloradoans. Or, more specifically, the administrators at Children’s Academy in Aurora, CO. They recently sent one of their 4-year-old students home with a baggie of uneaten Oreos and a note that went a little something like this:

Dear Parents, it is very important that all students have a nutritious lunch. This is a public school setting and all children are required to have a fruit, a vegetable, and a healthy snack from home, along with milk. If they have potatoes, the child will also need bread to go along with it. Lunchables, chips, fruit snacks, and peanut butter are not considered to be a healthy snack. This is a very important part of our program and we need everyone's participation.

So, to recap, every child at this uber healthy (and superior-feeling) public school is required to bring a fruit, veggie and milk. Required. What if they’re lactose intolerant? Is this school getting kickbacks from Borden? And how about the Lunchables thing? Is it only Lunchables that are prohibited or can children not have any kind of sandwich meat/processed cheese? And then there’s the bit about “If they have potatoes, the child will also need bread to go along with it.” Since when is a lunch of bread and potatoes healthy? It sounds like carbo loading to me. And in case you were unaware, carbs are the devil. They will kill you. Slowly. Much like watching anything on the E! network will.

Listen, it’s one thing for schools to not provide junk food for their students. In fact, a lot of schools are hopping on the healthy-eating bandwagon, either by choice or by force. That’s fine. If they want to fill their vending machines with tofu and seltzer water, great. Beautiful. That’s their business. But to flat-out tell parents what they can and cannot feed their children for lunch?! Does that not take micromanaging to a whole new level? (And believe me, if anyone knows micromanaging it’s me. So me.) The phrase “mind your business” comes to mind.

I have two thoughts on this. First, doesn’t human behavior dictate that when you make something totally illegal, totally impermissible and totally verboten, you also make it totally appealing? This school is pretty much guaranteeing that all of its students will be 400 pounds by high school graduation.

And two, in a world where children aren’t even safe at school – from violence, abuse or bullying – aren’t there more important conversations we should be having? Is a delicious crème-filled chocolate cookie really the problem? I'm leaning towards no.

And on that note, I’m off to buy a package of Double Stuf Oreos. We as Americans must stand united on this; we must make our voices heard.

So I will overindulge on Oreos, not because I want to, but because, as a true patriot, it is my duty.

I’m sure I won’t enjoy a single bite.