Help Wanted

Have you ever come home from work and said, “This job is killing me!”? I do it all the time, but I tend to be dramatic. For some people, however, their jobs really are a hazard to their health.

In honor of Halloween, here’s a spooky tale of witches, curses, murder and really crappy jobs, courtesy of ATG. Read on if you dare…

It all starts with a man named Giles Corey. You may remember him as a character from The Crucible, but he was actually a real dude. A real angry dude. He was also a Salem, Massachusetts farmer, who made the unfortunate decision to be alive during those infamous witch trials. Not so surprisingly, both he and his wife, Martha, were accused of being witches. Martha pled not-guilty and was hanged – because, duh, it was clear to everyone who was paying attention that, based on absolutely no evidence at all, she was obviously a liar and clearly a witch.

Giles, on the other hand, refused to plead either way, which, by law, meant that he couldn’t be tried. Unfortunately for him, it also meant that he could be tortured in an attempt to force a plea.

Those silly Puritans. Better not show your ankles or miss a church service, but torture? No biggie.

So, at the command of Salem’s sheriff, George Corwin, Corey was taken to a field and stripped of his clothes, which sounds like just another Saturday night to me, but was apparently considered a punishment back in the day. He was then forced to lie down in the field and a board was placed over his naked body – not so much to protect his modesty, but more so they could pile huge rocks on top of him, in effect slowly crushing his insides. This act was referred to as “pressing” and was intended to get the pressed person to spill his guts – figuratively speaking, of course; although, a literal spilling of the guts was sometimes a fun byproduct.

Corey, however, refused to spill anything. When asked if he was ready to plead, he reportedly responded with, “More weight.”

His torturers complied.

This went on for two days; and, according to legend, with his dying breath (or thereabouts), Corey cursed Sheriff Corwin and all of Salem.

Big deal, right? I mean, who hasn’t cursed and/or been cursed by your executioner/an unpleasant human being. The difference here is, Corey may have had an in with the big guy downstairs because it appears that his curse may have done some real damage.

For instance, four years after Corey’s death, Sheriff Corwin – he who stood over Corey as he died – was he himself dead. Of a heart attack. At age 30. But it was a different time then. Life expectancy was shorter. People didn’t take care of themselves. Medicine wasn’t what it is now. Blah, blah, blah. There are a million reasons why a 30-year-old could suffer a fatal heart attack. It’s not so weird.

But how about this?

Enter Robert Ellis Cahill, local historian and former Essex County sheriff. In 1978, after suffering a heart attack that forced him into early retirement, Cahill decided to do a little digging into the history of the sheriff’s office. What he found was interesting, to say the least. According to Cahill’s research, every Salem sheriff for nearly 300 years either died in office from a heart-related ailment and/or blood disease, or was forced to retire for one of those very same reasons.

That’s a little weirder. I mean, it’s 300 years worth of coincidences.

Even weirder? In the 90’s, the sheriff’s office was moved so that it no longer overlooked the field in which Corey was killed. Since then, no sheriff has reported suffering from any heart or blood ailment.

So is the curse real?

Honestly, does it matter? I say, why risk it? Even if you think the whole curse thing is a load of bunk, the fact remains that a large percentage of Salem sheriffs have experienced health issues and/or death while in office. I’m not sure that’s a risk I’m willing to take – even if it has absolutely zero to do with Giles Corey or his alleged curse. I mean, maybe it’s just a really awful job. A really stressful job. A really soul-sucking job. I’ve certainly taken jobs that I immediately wish would have come with a warning, something to the effect of: “This job will kill you…if you’re lucky.” Perhaps these guys should have taken advantage of the giant warning sign that accompanied their offer letters.    

The second part of the curse, the piece cursing the entire town of Salem, may also have some validity. Local legend says that before any major tragedy befalls the poor town of Salem, including the Great Salem Fire of 1914, Giles’s ghost is seen walking through Howard Street Cemetery, which now occupies the area in which he was killed.

Death and destruction. Man, what a bummer this guy is. I guess that’s what happens when you beat your farmhands to death and then throw your wife under the bus – or horse-drawn buggy, as it were – encouraging people to believe that she is actually a witch. (Later, once things were sufficiently out of control, he tried to change his story – that is, to tell the truth – but it was too late. The damage was done.) All that bad karma is heavy and will really weigh you down – in much the same way that tons and tons of rocks on top of your chest will do.

Perhaps the Golden Rule doesn’t translate well into Puritanese.

But, besides highlighting the importance of the Golden Rule, something most of us learned in utero, there are several other takeaways from this haunting tale. First, if you’re going to accuse someone of witchcraft and then torture them to death, make sure that he or she is a kind, happy, unaggressive human being – who’s obviously also a dirty, nasty witch.

And, two, if you happen to find yourself taking a casual stroll near Howard Street Cemetery in Salem, keep your eyes closed.

After all, what you don’t see can’t hurt you.

Right?