Stuck on You

Dating horror stories. We’ve all heard them. You may have even experienced one or two. Or four. Or 50. They can certainly be enough to put you off dating for awhile. So I wonder how long it’s going to take for a California man to get back on the dating horse after finding one of his casual encounters STUCK IN HIS CHIMNEY. I don’t know what kind of gift she thought she was bringing him, but seeing as how he had chosen to end their relationship after several dates, I’m fairly certain he didn’t want it.

She sees you when you're sleeping. She knows when you're awake.

Was she there to surprise him? To break in? To put his underwear on her head and roll around in his sheets? To boil his bunny? (That’s not a euphemism.) I don’t know. What I do know is that she had already been caught on his roof once. I feel like at that point you take out a restraining order. You don’t wait for her to pull some psycho Santa trick out of her big Santa bag.

Listen, I’ve made some questionable decisions in my life – even boy-related decisions – but can someone please explain to me why going down the chimney would EVER sound like a good idea? First of all, if you do make it down, you’re covered in filth. I know some guys are into that, but this isn’t sexy filth; it’s soot. Even Bert, the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, couldn’t make soot look good. It’s a very hard look to pull off. Is this really the way you want to greet the man who has recently dumped your soot-covered behind?

And second, the likelihood of you actually getting down the chimney is very, very small, because in order to get through such a small space, you have to be very, very small – and the flue creates an entirely new set of issues. In fact, I don’t think even Kate Moss herself could successfully make that journey and she hasn’t eaten since 1983.

And you know what happens if you don’t make it all the way down? You get stuck. In a chimney. There are pictures of this woman being stuck in a chimney and it’s almost enough to give me a full-on panic attack. I know Santa makes it look easy, but successfully navigating a chimney is actually very hard work and should only be handled by magical professionals. 

I can't. I really just can't.

The truth is, although she’s now landed herself in a steaming pile of trouble and humiliation, she’s actually really lucky that the object of her unrequited affection was home. Another California woman (a doctor, no less) once tried this little trick. Unfortunately for her, her target was out of town, which meant there was no one to hear her cries for help.

She died.

In a chimney. 

I think there’s a lesson in this for all of us. Don’t be this woman. If and when your relationship ends, move along with dignity. Don’t get stuck looking like a crazy fool.

Or in his chimney.