Something Bad’s About To Happen.Or Maybe It Already Did.

So, NBC has a new Sunday Night Football theme this year. Unfortunately, it still stars Carrie Underwood, but, while her previous performances seemed to simply be Faith Hill reboots, this year the bigwigs at NBC seem to be going for something a little fresher, a little dancier, a little less Faith and a little more Carrie (a decision, by the way, that I do not support; Faith was exponentially better in her SNF intro). And to this, my friends, I say, they have failed. In a big, big way. This was a bigger fail than Crystal Pepsi or, for you Millennials, Brangelina’s marriage (more on that later).

But because I’m such an optimistic person (notwithstanding that Brangelina comment), let me start with the positives: Carrie’s legs look incredible. Truly. And, well, that’s it. Carrie’s legs are all it’s got going for it. Obviously her diehard commitment to endless lunges and squats –and spray tans – has really paid off.

Now, perhaps the producers were betting on these tanned, toned legs being enough to distract the average football-loving, puberty-reaching, beer-chugging viewer of Sunday Night Football from noticing the rest of the catastrophic performance. But I am not so easily swayed. (I don’t even drink beer.) In fact, all I can feel when I watch this “performance” is embarrassment for Carrie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the billions of dollars NBC paid her to look like a moron is softening the blow a bit, but, seriously, what is even happening here? Is she supposed to be dancing? Skipping? Shimmying? Because all I can see when I watch it is a woman who appears to be in the throes of a minor seizure. I want to call her an ambulance, not settle in for an enjoyable evening of football.

And does it strike anyone else as odd that for a musician, she doesn’t seem to have much rhythm? And by “not much,” I mean none. She looks like a three-year-old trying to clap along to her Raffi tape (did I just date myself or what?!), with no concern for the actual beat.  

I just don’t get it. But, because I would never be so bold as to tell such an intelligent and discerning group as the ATG Nation what to think, I leave it to you beautiful people to form your own opinions.

You may begin.

The Hills Have Flatlined

There was a time when I really liked Carrie Underwood. There was even a time when I thought she was the best thing to come out of American Idol (besides Simon’s toddler t-shirts and Paula’s crazy, of course).

Then I realized that her voice is really annoying. Like, really.

It seems like with every pound she lost, her voice got harsher and more nasally. I wasn’t thrilled when NBC replaced Faith Hill’s rendition of the Sunday Night Football opener (which was oftentimes the best part of the entire game) with Carrie’s aforementioned nasally harshness, but even that pales in comparison to their most recent brush with stupidity. 

Proving yet again that Hollywood is completely worthless when it comes to generating original ideas, someone at NBC decided that what the world really needed was a regurgitated version of The Sound of Music. Because, you know, when something is done to near perfection the first time, it makes total sense to redo it.

But, wait, it’s okay that they’re going to bastardize this beloved classic because they’ve got a gimmick plan: They’re going to perform it live.

Listen, I get it. Why gamble on a new idea/screenwriter when you can just plagiarize an idea that did well before? It makes total sense. I mean, it doesn’t – at all – but what makes even less sense is replacing the beautiful, talented, kind, lovely, soft, British Julie Andrews with…Carrie Underwood. Carrie may be many of the same things, but her voice is not. I mean, c’mon, even if you’re a Carrie fan, you have to admit that this was poor casting. 

Maria von Crapp

The way NBC gets around this outrageous casting decision – because they know they’ve totally effed this one up – is by saying that they’re not trying to remake the original. I’m sorry, what? Is the story the same? Is the music the same? Then I'd say it's a remake. And you don’t get to redo such a widely known and respected film as The Sound of Music and then say that you’re not trying to remake it.

You are remaking it. That’s the problem. And you’re doing it with Carrie Underwood, who may be terribly talented but is no Maria von Trapp.

So, it’s official. The hills are no longer alive with the sound of music.

Carrie Underwood has killed them.

I give you Exhibit A:   

I rest my case.