It’s Like Rain on Your Wedding Day

Oh the irony.

You may remember that Kate Winslet married for the third time a little over a year ago. You may also remember that ATG predicted at the time that the Winsletator would soon be pregnant. Just add it to the list of things ATG has prophesied correctly. Winslet gave birth to her third child, a boy, last month. The father? Presumably hubby #3: Ned Rocknroll. Yes, you read that correctly. The man that Kate chose to marry and procreate with is also a man who thought it sounded like a swell idea to have his name legally changed from Ned Abel Smith to Ned Rocknroll.

Given their life choices, you would think that these two would have some semblance of a sense of humor about things. But you’d be wrong. When asked if her latest addition would be taking his father’s surname, Kate’s classy response was: “Of course we’re not going to call it Rocknroll. People might judge all they like, but I am a f-cking grown-up.”

I’m sorry to offend you, Kate, but you can see why there might be some confusion on the subject. After all, you did choose to marry a man who legally changed his name – as an adult – to something just a small step above Harry Balls.

    Mr. Rocknroll, his missus, and "It"
   It's so endearing when mothers refer to their children as "it," don't you think?     

And you want to know what this grownup and her husband chose to name their baby? Bear. That’s literally his name. When my mom was pregnant with my sister, my brother named the baby in her stomach Frosty. He was three. These types of names make sense when you’re three. When you’re a “grown-up,” not so much.

So, to recap: Kate’s too adult to name her baby Bear Rocknroll – and, to be clear, it’s the Rocknroll part that she finds so offensive; Bear is a totally grown-up decision – but is fine marrying a man with the same surname.

Is this failing to make sense to anybody else…or am I just not grown up enough to understand?

Oops, She Did It Again

If I had to guess, I’d say that Kate Winslet is sincerely hoping that third times really are the most charming. Why? Because just before Christmas, Kate entered into her third—count ‘em, 1, 2, 3—marriage with her third husband. Fortunately for Kate, lucky #3 will almost certainly be the one that sticks. After all, what could possibly go wrong when you marry a man who’s legally changed his name to Ned RocknRoll? 

 In case it hasn’t occurred to you yet, this makes Kate “Mrs. RocknRoll.”

Oh, but it gets better…

Turns out that Mr. RocknRoll is the nephew of billionaire Richard Branson. Remember him? The owner of Virgin Fill-in-the-Blank and his own private island? Off topic, he’s also reportedly going to start taking everyday folks, like you and me, into space. Space! It’s referred to as a space tourism program. Tourism. In space. Can you imagine the liability waivers that requires? Call me crazy, but I would assume there’s a reason that not just any old body can become an astronaut. It takes a special gravity-loathing, adult diaper-loving kind of individual.

BUT, if Kate’s been touring it up in outer space, her recent nuptials make a whole lot more sense. Only someone with her head in the clouds—or above the clouds, as would be more appropriate in this case—could think that this marriage sounded like a swell plan, ESPECIALLY without a prenup to protect her many millions.

The wedding was reportedly a small affair, attended by only about a dozen people (including Kate’s two kids, one each from her two previous marriages). These people did not, however, include either of the betrothed’s parents, who apparently only found out about the wedding once the story broke in the press. In fact, when asked about it, Kate’s dad’s very British response was reportedly, “What are you going on about?”

I just love the Brits.

I wonder how her dad felt to then learn that the position most oftentimes entrusted to the father of the bride—that is, giving his daughter away—was this time entrusted to a supermodel loving, ATG Boyfriend. Yes, my friends, rumor has it that none other than Leonardo DiCaprio walked our English Rose down the aisle to meet her fertilizer-like husband-to-be. Romantic, ain’t it? Of course, her dad’s probably good and tired of making that trip down the aisle and was most likely all-too-happy to pass the job on to someone else.

Some say that Kate is just a hopeless romantic; that she’s addicted to the falling in love process and to being a newlywed, but that she doesn’t seem to have much interest in hanging in for the long-term. Let’s examine this criticism, shall we, as we journey down Kate’s previously traveled aisles together.

Marriage #1 to Jim Threapleton

As an encore to her monstrous Titanic success, Kate decided to, what else, get married. She wed producer Jim Threapleton, whom she met on the set of her film Hideous Kinky. They had a baby. She gave an interview saying how blissful playing house was. Perhaps she was unaware of what "blissful" actually means, however, because by the time the article came out, she and her bliss-inducing hubby were no more. And approximately five seconds later, she was playing tonsil hockey with writer/director Sam Mendes, which brings me to…

Marriage #2 to Sam Mendes

I’d say that she’s way too pretty for him, but that might make me sound shallow.

Our nuptial-loving darling’s marriage to The Sixth Sense’s Sam Mendes lasted a bit longer than her first. In fact, they almost made it to double digits. But, alas, her seven year itch just had to be scratched, which is how she found herself shacking up with model Louis Dowler before her second divorce was even finalized. 

Kate and her model certainly didn't exhibit model behavior.

Marriage #3 to Ned RocknRoll

Ironically, it was while on holiday with pretty boy Dowler, that Kate met RocknRoll, aka hubby #3. She soon dismissed Dowler like a wedding vow and took up with old Neddy boy, whom she then married and will probably, if history is anything to go by, soon be having a baby with.

I must admit, even I, a Kate Winslet fan, am wondering what in the world she’s thinking. Is she trying to fill a void? Is she damaged and yearning for some unattainable perfection? Is this her desperate cry for help?

Or does she just really like wedding cake?