Thursday, February 12, 2015

Foot-In-Mouth Disease

Well, he’s done it again.

Part of me wants to believe that it’s just a character he’s playing; that he’s taken a page out his in-laws’ book about no publicity being bad publicity and that as long as they’re talking about you it doesn’t matter what they’re saying.

Unfortunately, I think it’s more likely that he’s just a narcissistic asspunk.

I am referring, of course, to the King of Klowns himself, Kanye West.

It wasn’t too long ago that we were discussing Kanye’s messiah-like moment at one of his concerts; the one where he commanded a wheelchair-bound fella to rise. It didn’t work, of course, because contrary to what he legitimately seems to think, he’s not God.

Unfortunately, the concert debacle wasn’t his first display of diva-like behavior and, judging from his conduct at the Grammy Awards last Sunday, it also wasn’t his last.

But before we get into the details, let’s first take a trip down memory lane, shall we? The year was 2009. The scene of the crime: the MTV Video Music Awards.

It was here that Kanye had his “Imma let you finish” moment after grabbing the microphone away from Taylor Swift as she was accepting her award for Best Female Video, and proclaiming that Beyoncé had in fact had the best video of all time, ever, in the history of music videos, and had been robbed.


Listen, you know I don’t like Taylor Swift. The fact that she’s winning awards for anything other than “Worst Live Performer” and “Most Juvenile Lyrics Written & Sung by an Adult” gives me heartburn. But even I think his little outburst was uncalled for. That was her moment – an arguably undeserved moment, granted – but her moment just the same. He just came off looking like the fool that he is and Taylor came out smelling even more like roses. This, incidentally, is another reason I hate him. Anyone who forces me to defend Taylor Swift clearly sucks at life.

Anyway, you would think that after all the backlash that Kanye got for disrespecting America’s favorite nightmare dressed like a daydream, he may have learned to tone it down – at least a little. After all, since that fateful night in 2009, he has added two new women to his life: a daughter and a wife - neither of whom, by the way, is Beyoncé. It would stand to reason, then, that his priorities have shifted and that he no longer feels the same creepy loyalty to Her Bootyliciousness or her music. Right?

Wrong.

Apparently reason has no place in any discussion concerning Kanye West.

Sunday night at the Grammys, Kanye proved yet again just how klassless he really is. As Beck, a singer/songwriter/player of instruments (read: real musician) accepted his award for Album of the Year – an award that Beyoncé was also nominated for – Kanye left his seat and made a move for the podium. He stopped midway up the stage stairs, smirked, and went back to his seat, effectively making the whole thing about himself – again – despite the fact that he didn’t verbally interrupt Beck’s acceptance speech.



It was rude, but people seemed to give Kanye a pass, laughing it off as him being ironic after the Taylor Swift disaster. Sure, he stole the spotlight from Beck, but at least he can laugh at himself.

What people apparently forgot is that Kanye West doesn’t have a sense of humor. About anything. Especially himself.

This fact became painfully clear as he continued to word vomit his way through the rest of the evening, saying things like: "I just know that the Grammys, if they want real artists to keep coming back, they need to stop playing with us. We ain't going to play with them no more…Beck needs to respect artistry, and he should have given his award to Beyoncé."

Let’s just examine this statement for a second, shall we?

First, does anyone else find it ironic that he essentially refers to himself as a “real artist” while at the same time effectively dismissing Beck and his abilities? I’m not a huge Beck fan, but I can appreciate that he has musical ability; unfortunately for him, he has no “artistry” – at least according to His Majassty. I guess being able to write and play music is much less important than, say, having shiny costumes and backup dancers.

Even later, when given a chance to reevaluate or amend his original statement, he didn’t. He instead chose to double down on the comment saying, “Beck knows that Beyoncé should have won... Come on man, I love Beck, but he ain't have album of the year."

Does his idiocy truly know no bounds?

And can we please just talk for a minute about this man’s fascination with Beyoncé? If I were his wife (which, praise the Lord, I’m not), I would feel slightly uncomfortable with, and disrespected by, his blind adoration for another woman. Do you think Kanye knows he’s not married to Beyoncé, or do you think in his alternate reality – the one where he’s a supreme musician who can heal the crippled and walk on water – he and the Destiny Child’s singer are in fact living in marital bliss?

Either way, and for so very many reasons, I’m eternally grateful that I’m not married to this man.


If this is what wedded bliss looks like, I think I'll pass.

To be fair, he didn’t spend the entire interview talking about Beyoncé. He also gave himself a few shout outs, calling attention to the fact that he had, by age 36, won more  Grammys than any other 36-year-old, ever, in the history of 36-year-olds.

Ironically, this last little tidbit sort of proved his original point.

If Kanye West can somehow manage to snag himself a Grammy – or 20 – then this proves, almost unequivocally, that Grammy voters truly are totally oblivious to what real talent is and will pretty much give the award to anyone. 

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Scot's Honor

When I was in fifth grade, the girl who sat next to me in home room bragged that she was related to Pocahontas. I was absolutely green with envy; I was greenvy. I wasn’t related to anyone cool. And because, as we’ve discussed, I tend towards the dramatic, I was devastated.

That night at the dinner table, I informed my parents that they – and my entire ancestral line – had failed me. How could I be expected to compete with such greatness? I mean, Disney made an entire movie about Pocahontas. And what did I have? There were certainly no colors of the wind in my background, that’s for sure.

My dad tried to make me feel better by informing me that I was related to Mary Stuart – aka, Mary, Queen of Scots – but I was less than impressed. Did Disney ever make a movie about her? I think not.

Then I got a clue.

I started reading about Mary, researching her, doing a little fact gathering. Suddenly, I couldn’t read enough, learn enough, hear enough about her. To say that I warmed to the idea of sharing a bloodline with this woman, this queen, would be an understatement. I was so infatuated, in fact, that when I had the incredible fortune to be in Scotland 10 *cough* years ago, I made it my mission to immerse myself in all things Mary. (Not so surprisingly, there are a lot of Queen of Scots things to immerse oneself in while in the Land of the Scots.) In fact, my traveling companion and I even spent the night in a castle Mary once honeymooned at, where we encountered a snoring ghost – but that’s a story for another day.

The point is, I have grown to love her. And, consequently, I love pretty much everything to do with her. That said, I was still slightly skeptical when the CW started airing their Mary-centered show, Reign. First, it’s on the CW, a network that exists solely for the benefit of adolescent girls; and second, I knew that it was bound to be an historically inaccurate, brain atrophying, total cheese fest of a viewing experience.

I wasn’t wrong.

Who do I talk to about bringing back the corset?

But last weekend, on the recommendation of a good friend, I watched it anyway. And now, I can’t stop watching it.

I’m addicted. And ashamed.

It is absolutely, without a doubt, all of the things I thought it would be.

It’s also awesome.

There are castles, and jewels, and cute(ish) boys, and beautiful gowns. And Mary. It’s kind of amazing. It would definitely fall into the category of “so bad it’s good,” but I don’t think that makes it any less fantastic. Plus, it’s got Anne Shirley, from the 80’s Anne of Green Gables miniseries, playing an evil(ish) queen. Who doesn’t love that?! It’s brilliant!

From orphan girl to Queen of France.
Nice that they let her keep the same hairdo.


I do wonder how long the show can go on considering that, spoiler alert, most of its characters met premature and/or unnatural deaths in real life, but I guess that’s where the historical inaccuracy works to its advantage. Plus, if the 90210 kids can spend approximately 17 years in high school without anyone batting an eye, I guess anything is possible in TV land.

Listen, if you’re looking for a legitimate history lesson, look elsewhere (although, obviously, some of it is historically accurate). If you’re looking for Oscar-caliber performances, or highbrow entertainment, keep going. But if you want some mindless entertainment served up on a platter of historical “fiction,” you should definitely check Reign out. It’s sloppy and silly and melodramatic – and absolutely delicious!

And, although many of its plot lines are entirely fictitious, it does give one a good sense of what it was like to be a royal back in the day – when your land, your crown, even your life could be so easily taken; when royals had to actually stand – and fight – for something, as opposed to just being the well-dressed dolls that we see today. It’s fascinating.

It’s also a great way to kill an evening and a nice way to get to know my family a little bit better. In case you’re curious, we’re a kind, generous and regal people, but if you cross us, we may just have you killed.

It’s a Stuart thing.  

Sunday, December 21, 2014

'Tis the Season

Well, folks, it appears that the holidays are fully upon us. How did that happen? I swear that it was just yesterday that I was dodging rogue 4th of July firecrackers, and now, all of a sudden, Thanksgiving is in our rearview, Hanukkah has officially begun and Christmas is a mere four days away.

Yikes.

They say time flies when you’re having fun; apparently it can fly for other reasons as well.

If you’re like me, you’re not feeling much in the holiday spirit. In fact, you may even be feeling a bit Scrooge-ish. There’s no shame in that. But, we here at ATG want to help you snap out of the Holiday Horribles by spreading a little holiday cheer. It’s what we do. We’re givers. And what better way to spread said cheer than with movies – and cookies?

So, in honor of the season of giving, loving, laughing, crying and overeating, here are 15 of the top holiday movies – listed in no particular order – paired with their perfect cookie.

Happy watching and bon appetite!
 

George Bailey is a desperate, despairing man; but, just as he’s about to do something really drastic, he meets Clarence, an angel who shows him what life would be like if he had never been born. Released almost 70 years ago, It’s a Wonderful Life continues to top the list of best holiday movies nearly every year.

Cookie Pairing: Chocolate Chip Cookies
In much the same way that It’s a Wonderful Life is the cornerstone of holiday movies, chocolate chip is a cornerstone cookie. Both classics in their own right, these two make the perfect holiday pairing.



Those poor Griswolds. They just can’t catch a break. Their summer vacation was an epic disaster and their Christmas vacation isn’t much better. Maybe, if they’re lucky, Santa will leave them some good luck in their stockings this year.

Cookie Pairing: Milk Chocolate, Maple-Syrup Glazed Bacon Cookies
If, by some miracle, freeloading Cousin Eddy decided to contribute to the Griswold Christmas feast, he would probably bring something like this:



Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Or does he? That’s the question one doubting boy aims to answer when he boards a magical train to the North Pole one Christmas Eve night.

Cookie Pairing: Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
A long journey to the North Pole requires a hardy snack; and these oatmeal raisin cookies are sure to do the trick!



Ralphie Parker really, really wants a BB gun for Christmas, but he’s facing an uphill battle; the adults in his life think it’s too dangerous. Who will win this epic BB gun battle? And will Ralphie really shoot his eye out? 

Cookie Pairing: Old-Fashioned Chocolate Fudge
In honor of Ralphie’s slip of the tongue – the one where he wishes he had said “fudge,” instead of another popular F word – here’s a decadent treat to indulge in. Hopefully this sweet treat won’t get you into nearly as much trouble as cussing in front of your dad. 

  

Follow the lives of several Londoners – and one American – as they navigate family trials, unrequited loves, and the Holiday Horribles – all against a magnificent London backdrop.  

Cookie Pairing: Eggnog Shortbread
When it comes to desserts, you really can’t get any more British than shortbread, and with eggnog originating in England, this dessert makes the perfect pairing to this perfectly English film.



No holiday season is complete without this Dickens classic. Follow Scrooge as he embarks on three separate eye-opening journeys through Christmases past, present and future. 

Cookie Pairing: Gingerbread  Men
Put a slight twist on the classic gingerbread man and decorate these cookies to resemble Scrooge and the three Christmas ghosts.

 

The grouchy old Grinch, with his Grinchy-sized heart, concocts a surefire plan to stop Christmas from coming for all the Whos down in Whoville. It’s foolproof. Or is it?

Cookie Pairing: Peanut Butter Pudding Cookies
This quick and easy recipe is definitely a crowd pleaser. To really make it authentic, forget the JELL-O pudding and make it with Who-pudding instead!



Eight-year-old Kevin McCallister is home alone. His family accidentally left him behind when they traveled to Paris for Christmas. As man of the house, Kevin must defend his home from a couple of neighborhood thieves. Lucky for him, they’re operating at about a seven-year-old level.

Cookie Pairing: Molasses Cookies
One of Kevin’s more painful traps for the bumbling burglars is tar on the basement steps, with a strategically placed nail at the top. The stickiness of the tar is recreated with the molasses in these delicious cookies…but you might want to save the nails for your next DIY project.



Disillusioned by the commercialism he sees around him, Charlie Brown sets out on a mission to find the true meaning of Christmas – one sad, pathetic Christmas tree at a time.

Cookie Pairing: Peanut Butter Blossoms
These cookies seem to be an especially big hit with the younger crowd, which would make them an excellent addition to Charlie Brown’s Christmas celebration – and the perfect indulgence to pair with this fun family flick.


 
When a nice old man who claims to be Santa Claus is institutionalized as insane, a young lawyer decides to defend him by arguing in court that he is the real thing.

Cookie Pairing: Sugar Cookies
A classic movie like Miracle on 34th Street requires the pairing of a classic cookie. To really get into the spirit, cut these cookies into Santa shapes and frost accordingly.



Initials are about the only thing that high-powered ad exec Scott Calvin has in common with Santa Claus. But when Santa has an unfortunate mishap on Scott’s roof, Scott must step into Santa’s big, black boots or risk canceling Christmas forever.

Cookie Pairing: Cocoa Brownies
According to Judy the Elf, it took her 1200 years to perfect her cocoa recipe; fortunately for all of us, these yummy brownies don’t require “perfect” cocoa.



What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive, especially when the deceivees are the family of a man in a coma. And as token collector Lucy can attest to, the deception is made all the worse when you start to fall in love with the “sleeping” man’s brother.

Cookie Pairing: Coconut Dream Cookies
For obvious reasons, these “dreamy” cookies are the perfect pairing to any flick that offers sleep as one of its main themes. Enjoy them with a mug of warm milk and you may soon be settling down for your own long winter’s nap.



After meeting on a WWII battlefield, Bob Wallace and Phil Davis team up to form a successful song and dance team. But when they follow a sister act duo to their show in Vermont, the boys soon find themselves at the failing inn of their former commanding general, and the foursome quickly concocts a plan to get the inn back in the black.

Cookie Pairing: Snickerdoodles
If snow could be replicated in a cookie, this would be it. Light, airy and sprinkled with sugar, there’s a little bit of snowy heaven in every bite.



When Buddy, the supersized “elf,” realizes that there is nothing elf-like about him, he sets off on a journey from the North Pole to New York City in search of his biological family – spreading Christmas cheer for all to hear along the way.

Cookie Pairing: White Chocolate Peppermint Cookies
If you really want to make this cookie Elf-tastic, use peppermint from one of the seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest and top it with gumdrops from the Sea of the Swirly Twirly Gumdrops. Or you could just follow the recipe:

  
 
Rudolph is a little different than all the other reindeer, a fact that eventually leads him and two of his pals to run away. They soon find themselves on the Island of Misfit Toys, where Rudolph vows to get help for all of the island’s neglected inhabitants. He returns to the North Pole on Christmas Eve to enlist Santa’s help, but when Santa gets snowed in, and Christmas is on the verge of being canceled, Rudolph finally gets his time to shine. Literally.

Cookie Pairing: Imperial Cinnamon Red Hot Cookies
Celebrate Rudolph’s unique nose with the red hot candies in these delicious cinnamon-infused cookies. With all their cinnamon and red-hot spice, these cookies pack just the right punch to keep you warm on those cold North Pole nights.