Desperation, Thy Name is Miley

They say that the best way to deal with a child who’s attempting to garner attention by acting out is to simply ignore the child, but I just can’t do it anymore. It would be grossly negligent for ATG to continue ignoring the train wreck that is Miley Cyrus. After all, anyone who makes Amanda Bynes look like a respectable and upstanding citizen should probably take a long look at her own life choices.

Oh, Miley. What has happened to you? Do you have a brain tumor? How else does one explain such a diametric swing from Disney sweetheart to whore next door? (I don’t particularly care for the word whore, but it rhymes so well with door and when the writing gods inspire that kind of R-rated Dr. Seuss moment, you just have to go with it.)

 BEFORE and AFTER the botched tongue surgery that left Miley unable to retract her tongue.   

First there was the Wrecking Ball video. Oh, heavens. As soon as I finished watching it, I went directly to confession – and would encourage Miley to do the same. Not to mention, how did the Department of Sanitation not shut this shoot down? Writhing around naked on a wrecking ball (an admittedly appropriate prop given the song title, but with a severely inappropriate lack of clothing) and making out with a sledge hammer is almost certainly unsanitary. Considering where Miley’s most likely been putting her lady bits, someone should alert the Center for Disease Control immediately to dispose of the poor, violated wrecking ball.

In case one of your New Year’s resolutions is to lose weight, feast your eyes on the below monstrosity. Totally purge-inducing but without any harm to your manicure. But be warned: A) This song is like flypaper; it will get stuck in your head. For days. And B) Don’t let anyone whose opinion you value catch you watching this filth. It’s shameful.


Not long after the Wrecking Ball video, came Twerkgate. Ah, Twerkgate. I must admit, I missed the original VMA airing of Miley’s “performance” with Robin Thicke. I also missed the second. And probably the third. But I finally watched it and, yes, it was icky and trashy and confession-worthy, but what I found most offensive was Miley’s “vocals.” Yikes. Why is no one discussing that? After all, she is a “singer,” correct? And while I’m sure it’s hard to carry a tune while simultaneously raunching it up with a foam penis finger, perhaps this is something she should have considered before trading in her dignity for a foam finger and nude bikini.

So, in case you haven’t yet reached your goal weight:


Then there was the picture of Miley just being Miley, and enjoying the warm L.A. weather, that she Tweeted in October. I mean, I assume it’s Miley enjoying the weather. Your guess is as good as mine considering she chose not to show her face. Not an entirely poor decision. Had I been born looking like Stewie’s long-lost twin, I might very well choose to pull a Michael Jackson and hide my face from the public as well.

Yep, totally normal behavior...for a narcissist.

And most recently there was the desperate attempt to stay relevant relationship with Twilight actor Kellan Lutz. They apparently had a serious make-out session in Vegas last week, but then, unfortunately for Kellan(‘s career), Miley quickly saw something shiny decided that she wasn’t really into aging vampires and that she preferred girls instead. Not long after, she was seen – still in Vegas – getting hot and heavy with one of Britney Spears’s (female) back-up dancers. Seriously, you just can’t make this stuff up. In case you’re wondering, Miley’s now apparently bisexual and has been “experimenting with women.”

Of course she has.

It’s been approximately 30 seconds since someone uttered the name Miley Cyrus and that just won’t do. She’s done the slutty thing, the politically incorrect thing, even the gluten-free thing; now it’s time to do the bisexual thing. Anything to stay relevant. I’ll give her this: She knows how to keep people talking. And if she truly lives by the adage “no publicity is bad publicity,” which she clearly does, it’s anyone’s guess what desperate, attention-seeking behavior she has on her to-do list.

I shudder to think.

Remember when the most controversial thing she’d done was expose her back on the cover of Vanity Fair?

Those were the days. And speaking of days, it will be “interesting” (and by interesting, I mean sad and pathetic) to see what shenanigans this Disney darling can get up to in the remaining 364 days of 2014.

And on that note…

Happy New Year! Whatever resolutions you’ve decided to make this year, we sincerely hope that reading more ATG is at the top of your list!

It's good to have a goal.