Ass-centuate the Positive

Apparently Kim Kardashian has never heard this expression. Or perhaps she just thinks it’s equally as important to accentuate the not-so-positive, evidenced by some of her latest wardrobe choices. Listen, I’m fully aware that it’s not Kim Kardashian’s fault that she has a GIANT behind (unless you believe the rumor that she got a butt implant, which I don’t) and I know that we here at ATG are not always the most complimentary of Her Royal Buttness, but seriously, she brings a lot of it on herself. She makes SO MANY bad choices, choices that result in it being virtually impossible not to make her the butt of our jokes. (See what I did there?)

For instance, she wears these (totally unflattering) leather pants about as frequently as Jennifer Aniston makes unwatchable movies (read: ALL THE TIME). I tried to give her a pass—I too have a favorite pair of pants that I practically live in—then I saw this picture:

I’m sure it super sucks to be so “famous” that you have people standing behind you on an escalator taking pictures of your hindquarters. However, this is what she wanted; she wanted to be famous. She courts attention like Taylor Swift courts bad relationships, so I don’t feel too badly for her.

Perhaps she should ask Santa to bring her a rearview mirror for Christmas. That way she’ll always know what she looks like from behind, as well as from the front—although, let’s be honest, do we really think there’s a lack of mirrors in any Kardashian household? To quote Kevin McCallister, “I don’t think so.” And considering that she recently left the house looking like this (see below), apparently she has trouble with the front view as well (but trust me when I say that the back view is even worse on this one). So probably mirrors, or lack thereof, are not really the problem.

And since I’m on a roll, why stop the judgment parade now? Careful, it’s about to get snarkilicious up in here.

Kim Kardashian is CONSTANTLY talking about how she works out all the time; she’s seen in pictures walking into and out of gyms; she tweets about going to the gym; and on and on. My question is, what does she do once she’s actually IN the gym? Listen, I will never hate on someone who works out a lot and doesn’t have a perfect body because I myself could fall into this category, but this girl has NO—as in zero, not an ounce—of muscle. I defy you to find any. She obviously goes to the gym—puts on the shoes and the see-through spandex pants—but what does she do once she’s there? Eat cake? A bucket of chicken? Because it sure doesn’t look like she’s running on the treadmill or lifting weights. Perhaps she considers lifting fork to mouth exercise. And perhaps if she didn’t wear sheer skirts (sans Underoos) and nasty leather pants, thereby accentuating her not-so-positives, I wouldn’t feel the need to point them out either.

Let’s be clear, I do feel a bit sorry for her. I’m exceedingly glad that there’s not someone standing behind me taking pictures of all my worst angles and bloggers writing about them. But, then, I didn’t make a sex tape in a desperate attempt to be famous.

And that’s the difference.

He’s Too Sexy for His Shirt (which is why he rarely wears one)

It’s a bittersweet day, ladies (and gents; I’m not judging). Bradley Cooper’s reign as People’s Sexiest Man Alive is over. Can we have a short moment of silence, please? 

Oh, Bradley, how we'll miss you...for a second.

Now for the good news: when People closes a sexiest door, they open a sexier window. Enter this year’s Sexiest Man…

Mr. Sexy

CHANNING TATUM!

Here’s why I like him: He’s pretty funny (some might not think it’s important that he have a personality when he has a body like that. I disagree); I find his movies to be more or less enjoyable; He seems to love his wife (sorry ladies…and gents; I’m not judging); He’s tall; He doesn’t run away from his past; and, most importantly, he’s older than I am (this seems to be happening less and less frequently; apparently I’m very, very old).

And because I know that you’ll feel totally cheated if you don’t also get a shirtless Channing Tatum pic, ta da!

 Yep, it sure is lucky for him that he has such a great personality...  

As for Bradley Cooper (if any of you were able to tear yourself away from a topless Tater and continue reading), although I’m sad to see him go, I think it’s probably for the best. Maybe now that he's no longer obligated to carry out Sexiest Man duties, he'll finally be able to get some sleep. It's pretty obvious that he's terribly overworked and sleep-deprived. I mean, what other reason could there be for his perpetually bloodshot eyes?