Maybe If I Speak Slower…

It's that time again. Time for another injection of ATG's patented truth serum.

But before I break out the syringe, let me first say that, after seeing more recent pictures of her, I’m almost ready to concede that Kate Middleton may in fact be pregnant, which means that, yes, the Deficient Duchess was born under the luckiest star imaginable.

This is a girl, a rather plain one if we’re being honest (and we’re ALWAYS honest here at ATG), who snagged a prince and the limitless adoration of an entire universe without doing one actual thing to earn it. This is a woman whose laziness and unwillingness to work has been documented for years (and, really, her job consists of planting trees and smiling, how hard is that?) yet she’s hailed as a role model for young girls. This is a girl who asks questions like, Can you test the smell (of tea) by smelling it? but is simultaneously held up as the ideal of perfection.

Why?

Because she’s skinny, smiles a lot, says very little (which is probably a direct result of the whole tea-smelling incident), wears (ugly) clothes well, and has shiny hair, which she appears to hot-roller into big, bouncy curls. Listen, I’m not judging her hairstyle choices. I’ve also been known to hot-roller my hair into big, bouncy curls. Of course, I was in eighth grade.

 I feel like I've seen this pattern before. Oh, yeah. On my grandma's couch. 

But you already know all of this, so there’s really no need to go over it all again.

Let’s instead focus on some more recent news. One of the latest rumors to come flying out of the mill is that, after the alleged baby is born, the Deficient Duchess won’t be staying in the wing of the palace that she and her husband are renovating with $1.5 million of their own hard-earned money. Oh, wait, hold on. My mistake. Someone worked hard for that money but it definitely wasn’t the Loathsome Twosome.

But it doesn't matter who's paying for the renovations because our fair Kate won’t be gracing the halls of Kensington Palace anytime soon. She will instead be staying with…

I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

Meddling Ma Middleton, of course!

Who better to raise the future queen (or king) of England than a(n alleged) scheming social-climber? That’s great. The heir still can’t marry a Catholic for fear of what it would do to the monarchy, but pushy, calculating in-laws? No problem!

Some people are understandably annoyed with this latest revelation, lamenting that if royals are just going to act like everyone else, what’s the point of having them. This logical argument has been met with some disagreement, the main dissenting opinion being that every new mother should be allowed to take her baby home to mom for the first few weeks. I almost agree. But does every new mother live in a palace? Does every new mother get to live off the taxpayers’ hard-earned money? Is every new mother married to a prince?

Uh, no.

This is the point I’ve been trying to make from the beginning. She’s not normal. She’s not like you and me. Sure, under normal circumstances there’s no problem with a young woman foregoing a job so that she can stay home and take care of her husband/family, or choosing to spend holidays solely with her family as opposed to his, or going to live with her mom for six weeks after birthing her baby. Nothing wrong with that at all. The difference is, KATE’S NOT NORMAL. She didn’t want to be normal. She (and her mom) went to great lengths to make sure that she ended up with an abnormally royal life. Yes, it carries with it some responsibilities, but it also comes with plenty of perks.

The way I see it, Kate needs to pick a side: either be a princess and enjoy all the perks that come with it, as well as some of the less pleasant aspects, or become “every woman” and stop nursing off the public’s teat.

It doesn’t make any difference to me which side you choose, Kate, but just like Benedict Arnold, you’re going to have to pick a side.

Go With Your Gut

Remember when you were about to take a test in school and your teacher would tell you to go with your gut when you answered the questions, that your first instinct was probably right? Well, last week, the always-with-their-finger-on-the-pulse-of-reality magazine, People pretty much proved this point by bestowing its most coveted honor – the World’s Most Beautiful Woman title – on the GOOPist herself, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Apparently People’s world is very small. Not so surprising, actually, considering their entire existence revolves around the world of fake breasts, teeth, hair, and talent. 

  The World's Most Beautiful Woman. No, seriously. People decreed it so it must be true.   

 

So, what does this have to do with taking a test? Well, although People may think that the GOOPster is the world’s most beautiful woman, the publishing world’s first reaction – its gut feeling, if you will – was to name her the most hated person in America, with Star magazine bestowing this honor on her just a few weeks earlier.

Obviously one can be both beautiful and hate-inducing; these are not mutually exclusive traits. But Gwynnie would have to be absolutely stunning on the outside to make up for her complete lack of stunningness on the inside. Some people obviously think she’s succeeded in this endeavor. I don’t agree.

This is a woman who claims to represent every woman, but then does stuff like choosing a woman’s must-have wardrobe for the season which, when all the pieces are added up, comes to over $20,000. I’m fairly certain that “every woman” doesn’t get an annual clothes budget of $20K. In fact, I’d venture a guess that Gwyneth spends on clothes what most women make in a year – if they’re lucky.

This is also a woman who designed a COTTON T-SHIRT that she sells for $90, a t-shirt, by the way, that only comes in one size and is guaranteed to fit sizes 0-8. I’m pretty sure a woman who wears a size 8 is built slightly differently than one who wears a 0. AND, what kind of elitist shirt is this? Apparently to be “every woman” you can't be any bigger than an 8. Any bigger than that and you cease to matter. Not so surprising considering the GOOPest was raised in Plasticville, amongst the plastics. In her world, if you don’t like the body God gave you, you buy a new one.  

So, are you sold on her beauty yet? How about her dislikability?

And in case you just can’t get enough of the hate and are wondering who rounded out the top 20 Most Hated, wonder no more:

20. Chris Brown: Admitted girlfriend-beater. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

19. Jesse James a.k.a. Mr. Sandra Bullock: Broke the heart of America's Sweetheart by cheating on her with a Nazi-loving tattooholic. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

18. Taylor Swift: Sings irritating songs in an irritating voice and makes increasingly bad relationship choices...which she then writes irritating songs about that she sings in an irritating voice. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

17. Shia LaBeouf: I don't really get this one. Is he even still around?

16. Lindsay Lohan: A drunken has-been who can't seem to stay out of bars...or court. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

15. Angelina Jolie: See #17.

14. Jay Leno: Has a really huge chin and next to no ability to make me laugh. Oh, yeah, and he pretty much screwed Conan O'Brien out of a job. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

13. Ashton Kutcher: Loud, obnoxious adulterer; produces crap like Beauty and the Geek. Still less hated than Gwyneth (although more hated than Taylor Swift, which I don't really understand).

12. LeAnn Rimes: Word-vomiting, man-stealing Twitteraholic. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

11. Kris Jenner: Spawned the Kardashians. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

10. Kim Kardashian: Self-adoring, completely overrated narcissist who allows herself to be peed on. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

9. Anne Hathaway: See #10 (minus the peeing part). Still less hated than Gwyneth.

8. Justin Bieber: Foolish, foolish immature man-child who can't go five minutes without saying something royally stupid. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

7. Madonna: Self-adoring, faux-English-accent-using (hello, she's from Michigan!), completely overrated narcissist with no self-respect. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

6. Matt Lauer: Two words: Benedict Arnold. Totally threw my beloved Ann Curry under the bus, resulting in her losing her job. And, again, a totally overrated narcissist (I'm seeing a pattern here...). Still less hated than Gwyneth.

5. Katherine Heigl: Subpar actress with a resume full of nearly unwatchable flops. Also a self-adoring, overrated...well, you get the drift. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

4. John Mayer: Please, does this one even require explanation? Still less hated than Gwyneth.

3. Jennifer Lopez: Adulteress with an ego even bigger than her ass. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

2. Kristen Stewart: Subpar actress with no fashion sense, a broken moral compass, and a perma-look of constipation on her face. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

And, of course...

1. Gwyneth Paltrow: The Most Hated Person in America

You may notice that a lot of these people are characters that we’ve previously blogged about hating.

Apparently ATG is more with it than People.

But, then, you probably already knew that.

A Sad Commentary

We’re not doing so well, America. We’ve been making really bad choices lately. Lots of them. Consistently. It raises a question.

Now, you might think that the question it raises has something to do with self-reflection or personal betterment, but you’d be wrong. No, America, the question we’re forced to ask ourselves is: What would Ryan Lochte do?

Yes, my friends, apparently E! is so confident that the American people have a burning desire to know the answer to this question that they’ve given the Olympian his own show – because obviously athletic prowess always translates into a dynamic personality and small-screen success. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan or any other athlete who’s ever hosted Saturday Night Live.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, including the viewers, Ryan has the personality of Styrofoam. In fact, E! could’ve saved themselves a lot of money and built the entire show around a cardboard cutout. Trust me, as long as it periodically went, “Jeah!,” no one would’ve known the difference. But, then, this is the network that brought us the Kardashians. Apparently they’re pretty good at convincing viewers to embrace polystyrene-like personalities, so maybe Ryan’s show stands a chance after all.

But not with me. (Sorry, E!. Do you need a tissue?)

I’m just not quite masochistic enough to subject myself to this mess. And this is coming from someone who sat through House of Sand and Fog. The entire thing. Without fast-forwarding.

But, although I won’t be watching his show, I’m more than happy to watch the little guy make an ass out of himself in interviews. Here’s hoping that we get a lot more gems like this one:

And since we’re on the topic of laughing at – and not with – people, and since we still really hate Anne Hathaway, check out this highly talented individual doing a little fun-poking. She does a great Annennoying impersonation, except for one thing: She’s much too talented. 

Apparently Bizarro Anne didn’t have a problem singing the “pretty” version of I Dreamed a Dream, unlike the “real” Anne. Because, you know, the real one “made a choice” not to sing the pretty version. According to her. According to me, it was less of a choice and more of a lack of options. Does anyone really think she has the pipes to pull off a “pretty” Fantine?

Does anyone really think that Ryan Lochte has a sparkling personality?

Face it, Anne, you’re just not as great as you seem to think you are. But don’t worry. You don’t have to laugh at yourself. We’re more than happy to do it for you.

James Franco: Soothsayer or Total Jackass?

I’ve loved James Franco for a long time – ever since 1999 when we starred in a movie together.

Okay, so I was an extra, he was the star, and our paths never crossed, but I spent the day staring at him from afar, drinking in his awesomeness.

(Fun fact: although my path didn’t cross with Mr. Franco’s, it did collide with late Roseanne star Glenn Quinn when he stepped on my foot. I never washed that foot again.)

The point is, James and I have been in a relationship for a long time. And like with any relationship, sometimes he annoys me. I can’t say that I was exactly annoyed with his Oscar hosting performance in 2011, but I did think it was a bit one-note. However, I cut him a little slack because it’s hard playing opposite the irritant that is Anne Hathaway. Anybody would look a little bit drugged next to her over-the-top self. In fact, he probably was drugged. He probably had to drug himself in order to spend that much time with her.

But, according to an interview he recently did with Howard Stern, he and Anne have actually made up since that Oscar debacle. Now, whether or not they’re still BFFs now that he’s broken his silence on Oscargate against her very specific wishes, remains to be seen. And if his loose Oscar lips don’t push her over the edge that she’s perpetually hovering by, his saying that he can understand what triggers the Hathahater hatred may.

In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that James and Anne are no longer sitting in a tree.

Personally, I think him saying that he understands why people hate Annennoying* only goes to show that he’s more in touch with reality than people give him credit for – especially people who witnessed his underwhelming hosting performance.

Nothing's that funny, Anne. Get a grip.

Another person who’s most likely scratched old Jimmy off her Christmas card list is Lindsay Lohan – assuming, of course, that she’s coherent enough to remember Christmas cards, or Christmas, or even James Franco for that matter.

On second thought, maybe he hasn’t been cut.

Sure, he, in the same Howard Stern interview, said that he’d declined her romantic advances in the past because she was such a mess, but at least he acknowledged her existence. Yes, he said that he rejected her for “having issues,” but at least he admitted that he did, in fact, know her. Maybe that’s all the validation she needs. She seems kind of desperate – and if anyone understands a desperate need for validating attention, it’s…

LeAnn Rimes.

(I bet you thought I was going to say me, huh? Nope. Even my desperation pales in comparison to these two.)

  I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that the world is a much sadder place for never having been graced with a Francan (or Franken?) baby.   

Of course, on the other hand, she once said that she and James were “like best friends,” so it’s gotta sting a little. You never want your friends to call you out, no matter how crazy you are. If any of my “best friends” ever rejected my advances, I’d be severely bummed out. In fact, I, too, might start drinking to excess, partying uncontrollably and leaving my undies at home.

You’ve been warned.

*Please understand that I used to love Anne Hathaway, but somewhere along the way she lost her likeability – probably about the time she found her ridiculous affectation/faux English accent. She’s like a taller, younger Madonna, but with less singing ability. And let's be honest, it's not like Madonna set the bar very high on that one.