What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Have you ever been walking down the street and passed an odd-looking, seemingly mismatched couple? Sure, more often than not it’s an entirely superficial judgment, but I hope that if you’ve learned anything at ATG, it’s that superficial judgments are not always bad judgments; they’re just shallow. And shallow’s not always bad. I mean, obviously a shallow diving pool should be avoided, as should a shallow grave in a floodplain, but shallow judgments? Why, they’re what make the world go ‘round.

It occurred to me recently, after perusing a few rag mags (on a terrifying flight from the east coast, which we won’t go into), that celebrities are not free from the judgment of odd pairings. Beautiful attracts beautiful? Apparently not always. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me say that yes, beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder. Most of the time. But c’mon, you and I both know that some people/things are just aesthetically offensive, which is totally legal for me to say because I used to be one of those people/things.

Obviously, over the years there have been quite a few strange partnerships, but in the interest of time (and my quickly waning sanity), I’ve decided to narrow it down to the top 10 current (or fairly recent) oddest celebrity pairings. You may notice that not all the couples are judged on their unevenly matched physical attributes. This is because I’m equally as capable of judging the inside as I am the outside. It really is a gift.

And please keep in mind that this isn’t a countdown; the couples are presented in no particular order. After all, who am I to judge which is the oddest…?  

1. JULIANNE HOUGH & RYAN SEACREST

Remember when your Barbie’s head would fall off (or your little sister would pull it off and then cut its hair…whatever, I’m not bitter)? You’d try to stick it back on but it never quite looked the same. From then on, Barbie had a bit of a square-headed, smushy-face look going on. Can you see it? If you can’t, then look no further than American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest for a visual. He has the same square head and smushy face. But that’s not the only reason he and Dancing with the Stars alum, Julianne Hough, make such an odd couple. There’s the 14 year age difference, the fact that she’s attractive, or the fact that he’s gay. Allegedly. (I’m not saying he is; I’m just saying that sometimes he likes to act as her stylist.) Take your pick.

On the other hand, they’re both fairly annoying, fake-looking human beings so perhaps that’s all the glue they need to hold themselves together.

2. OLIVIA WILDE & JASON SUDEIKIS

He’s funny. She’s pretty. They’re both hot commodities right now. It should make sense, I suppose, but it doesn’t. I’ll be the first to say that sense of humor is of the utmost importance, but I just can’t imagine that he’s that funny—or maybe he saves his funniest bits for the bedroom. Of course, if it’s a guy’s romantic moves that make you laugh the hardest, then something is terribly wrong.

3. MICHELLE WILLIAMS & JASON SEGEL

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. This is a woman who dated, and procreated, with Heath Ledger. A woman who was allowed to make out with my boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, and was even given a paycheck for it. (I, too, would be given something if I tried to make out with Ryan Gosling but I’m pretty sure it would rhyme with mestraining border.) My point is, this girl has good taste. Or I thought she did…until she started dating the How I Met Your Mother star. I just don’t get. Or I should say, I didn’t get it. Then I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Now I get it.

Enough said.

4. KATY PERRY & RUSSELL BRAND

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that my original thought upon hearing of this match was, “What in the world does she see in him?” I saw hairy. But the more Russell Brand I added to my life, the less aware I was of hairy and the more aware I became of funny. This kid is funny. Perhaps it’s his English accent or perhaps he really is just a genuinely funny human being. I’m guessing it’s probably a little of both.

What I’m having trouble explaining now, though, is what he ever saw in her. Sure, she’s pretty (with the help of an entire Sephora store) but her personality is crap. I guess this means that boys value looks over personality. Who knew?

5. KIMBERLY STEWART & BENICIO DEL TORO

File this under things that make you go What?. But, yes, it’s true. Whether it was an actual relationship or just a baby-making encounter, the fact remains that Bently (that’s my copyrighted name for them, by the way) made a baby. Her name’s Delilah (which, fun fact, is also the name of my cat) and she’s actually kind of cute. If you’re into babies. What brought her werewolf-resembling father and commando-style motorcycle-riding (and crashing) mother together, however, is anyone’s guess.

6. AVRIL LAVIGNE & CHAD KROEGER

Who even knew these two were dating? Now all of a sudden they’re engaged? In all fairness, I really know very little about this couple—except that they’re both Canadian—but they just look weird together. I mean, Nickleback’s been around for, like, ever and Avril barely looks old enough to buy spray paint. In reality, it’s only a 10 year age difference—there are some way more offensive numeric gaps—but he just looks a heck of a lot older (despite the plastic surgery that I’m fairly certain he’s had). And it is for that exact reason that they find themselves on this list. Plus, I hate Canadians.

Kidding!

(Except for Justin Bieber, I really do hate him.)

7. JOHN MAYER & ANYBODY

John Mayer has dated some of the world’s most highly sought-after women: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Jessica Simpson, to name a few. And I must admit that there was a time when I could understand his appeal. He seemed like the goofily cute underdog who could steal your heart with his sensitivity and song lyrics. Wrong. He may be self-deprecating and write somewhat-catchy songs, but he’s a douche. Such a douche, in fact, that there are websites (plural, more than one) dedicated to his top douchebag comments. Things like referring to Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm, saying that his man part was a “white supremacist,” and talking about how he should be having sex with many, many more girls are just a few examples. Some people say he’s funny. I say he’s an ass. And suddenly his goofy good looks are just sleazy and gross. Yet, somehow he keeps attracting some fairly nice-looking and successful women. It just doesn't make sense.

Forget who shot Kennedy, this is the real great mystery of the century.

 

8. MILEY CYRUS & LIAM HEMSWORTH

Full disclosure: I don’t like Miley Cyrus. I’m sure you’re shocked by this revelation. My apologies. But seriously, it’s like she goes out of her way to make herself unappealing. From the nude pics to the hair shaving to the pole dancing to the bong smoking, she’s just gross.

(To clarify: You are not automatically gross for taking naked pictures of yourself or smoking marijuana. If I like you, I can overlook both.)

Basically, she’s a mess of bad choices culminating in an irritant of a human being. (An irritant, by the way, who at least slightly resembles Stewie from Family Guy. Am I wrong?) Needless to say, I don’t understand her appeal to the world in general, but at least the world can turn her off. Imagine, however, pledging to spend your life with her! Without an OFF button! Oy, someone get me a Xanax.

And, yet, that’s exactly what Australian heartthrob, Liam Hemsworth, is planning to do. Why would a guy who could find, let’s be honest, ANY other girl choose to marry this Cyrus person? Perhaps there are mind-altering substances involved. And perhaps they’re hidden in Billy Ray’s mullet.   

9. LEANN RIMES AND EDDIE CIBRIAN

No list of the world’s worst coupling choices would be complete without these two. On the one hand, they make total sense because they’re both egocentric philanderers; on the other, what in the world does he see in her? She can sing. I’ll give her that. But, speaking completely objectively, there’s not one attractive thing about her. Not her personality. Not her looks. Not her intelligence. Honestly I can’t find one thing. At least he’s nice to look at, although I’m pretty sure he fails on personality and intelligence as well. I just don’t get it. Perhaps she was an easy catch, but, honestly, does anyone really think that Eddie Cibrian has trouble catching ladies? I don’t think so.

10. COURTNEY STODDEN & DOUG HUTCHISON

When the story first broke that the 51-year-old Lost actor was marrying his 16-year-old girlfriend, I was shocked and appalled (to steal a phrase from my eighth-grade homeroom teacher). Thirty-five years is a big age difference regardless, but when the bride isn’t even old enough to vote and is barely old enough to drive? That’s just gross. The aesthetic and numeric differences between these two initially made me think that this was the most oddly paired couple on the list. Then I saw them together and I realized that, actually, they aren't such a strange match. You see, they both share the same primary focus: Courtney Stodden. They both think Courtney’s really hot. And really funny. And really sexy. And really tan. And has really blonde hair. Basically, they both think that Courtney Stodden is, like, the awesomest person ever invented. And if the key to a good marriage is shared interest, then this marriage is destined to outlast many that make a whole lot more sense on paper.

ADDENDUM:

You might have expected to see William and Kate on this list, but a) we wouldn’t want to be too predictable and b) I actually think they’re pretty well-suited for each other. After all, they're both entirely overrated and they both show indications of being spoiled, lazy, work-shy kids. And, just as with Courtney and Doug, it is these shared ideals that make the marriage work. 

So, forget love; it’s entitlement and bad judgments that truly keep these couples together.

You Are What You Eat

I don’t really understand the appeal of food-eating contests. I like to enjoy what I’m eating. The idea of gluttonously stuffing yourself to the point of puking seems rather, for lack of a better word, unpleasant (unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I totally support the decision). And, really, what does winning prove? That you have a very large stomach and no gag reflex? Where exactly does that go on your resume?

A Florida man, however, took overeating to a whole new level recently, and paid the ultimate price. No, not with his dignity. With his life. But it wasn’t hotdogs or hoagies or Ho Hos that 32-year-old Edward Archbold indulged in. It was bugs. Roaches and worms, to be exact. Not-so-surprisingly, after the competition ended, Archbold didn’t feel so well and soon found himself puking it up backstage. Ah, the perils of fame. I’m sure Steven Tyler has been in a similar situation a time or two.

The good news is Archbold won. The bad news is it killed him. Of course, in those few glorious moments after being declared the winner, he had the opportunity to savor the fact that he had just won 500 million dollars. Okay, maybe it was only 100 million dollars, but it had to be some kind of giant cash prize, right? Why else would you stuff yourself full of LIVE, gooey insects? (If you’ve ever stepped on a roach, you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

Turns out there was no monetary reward. No new car. Not even a gift card to Applebee’s. The prize? A python. Seriously, a python. I mean, not to be insensitive, but if the roaches hadn’t killed him, the python probably would have.

Reportedly, the python will now go to Archbold’s estate. This means that someday it will probably belong to his daughter, for whom, all joking aside, this is a huge tragedy. But, although she’s been left fatherless, at least she has a giant, deadly snake to remember him by.

And, at the end of the day, isn’t it just nice to know that the snake will stay in the family? Otherwise, all of Edward’s hard work would have been for nothing.

The Girlfriend Needs to Eat a Sandwich Club

Let me preface this by saying that I love Jennifer Connelly. Love. With a capital L. I think she’s beautiful and talented—even in stinkers like Dark Water—which is probably why she doesn’t get much respect from Hollywood. They tend not to support talent and substance, preferring instead to bow at the altar of the vacuous and vapid.

Quite honestly, I was surprised at my newfound JConn love. For years, my only exposure to her was the off-putting flick Labyrinth—which was obviously created by the same folks behind Disney’s Alice in Wonderland (read: those who avail themselves of mind-altering substances)—which we watched every year at a friend’s annual sleep-over birthday party. Between Jen’s eyebrows and David Bowie’s, well, everything, I just never got the appeal. In fact, I’ve come to hate the name Toby simply because it’s said approximately 5,137 times throughout the movie (and because, let's be honest, I hate Tobey Maguire).

It wasn’t actually until fairly recently that I came to truly like and appreciate Jennifer (and her equally talented husband, Paul Bettany). And it’s precisely because of this love and appreciation that I feel obligated to say, Girlfriend needs to eat a sandwich!

Look, obviously Girlfriend’s always been slim, but these latest pics make her look like she’s taking dieting tips (and laxatives) from Kate Middleton and LeAnn Rimes. Her legs look almost skeletal. In her defense—and in order to avoid any cease and desist letters—I should say that there’s a possibility that it’s just the angle or lighting. I sincerely doubt it. But it’s possible. 

I sure hope she hasn’t crumbled under Hollywood’s weight-obsessed pressure. She’s too good, too talented, for that. And if she has decided to take a page out of Duchess Not-So-Weighty’s book, she best proceed with caution. The skin-draped-bones look doesn’t wear well on anyone—especially as they age—and emaciation chic is SO last season. 

However, despite JConn’s apparent antagonist relationship with dinner, she’s fared pretty well—at least when you consider that she was a child actor. We’ve all seen how wrong that can go. But if Girlfriend doesn’t avail herself of a very large, very greasy sandwich soon, she’s destined to go down as just another cautionary, “eat your veggies,” tale. And that would be a tragedy on pretty much every level.  

Fashion Fail of the Week

In truth, this fashion fail could probably be considered the fashion fail of the month or even the millennium. I’m talking, of course, about Miley Cyrus—she’s a walking fashion fail, after all—and, more specifically, her latest hairdo. Have you seen this?

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Crazy

Just the latest bad choice in a lengthy list of them. In fact, if you’ve ever considered entering your child into show business, I’d say: don’t. And if for some strange reason you need more proof than just my incredible insight, I’d say: look no further than Miley Cyrus. She’s a walking public service announcement for keeping your children safely at home and out of the limelight.

It’s sad, really. She used to be Disney’s darling and now she’s just a cautionary tale with a smoker’s voice.

It’s not too late to turn it around, though, Miley. Do it for yourself. Do it for your surprisingly good-looking fiancé (still don’t know how you made that happen, but good for you). Do it for the children. And, most importantly, do it for your dad, before all your bad life choices completely shatter his achy breaky heart.  

(Where’s a rimshot when you really need one?)

Surely She Jests

Proving yet again how out of touch with the real world she is, Kim Kardashian was caught, ON CAMERA, claiming that she’s worked hard for everything she has. Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor. I’ll wait. No one would be able to hear me over the hysterical laughter anyway. It’s okay; take your time. Ready? Good, let’s proceed.

I believe Ms. Kardashian’s exact words were, “…no one ever gave me anything.” Of course, she then followed it with, “I told mom 'This is exactly what I want to do,' and she made it happen.” So which is it, Kimbo? You either do it on your own or your mom makes it happen. As far as I can see, you can’t have it both ways.

Just for argument’s sake, let me give you the context of the comment. It won’t matter. At all. But I’m going to do it anyway. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Here goes…

The Kardashian clan recently found themselves filming a “therapy session” scene for their “television show.” It was during this session that Kim made the outrageous claim to her brother, Rob, who she felt hasn’t been trying hard enough to be successful. Now, let me preface this by saying that I believe 99.9% of what happens on this show (which, disclaimer, I don’t watch…under any circumstances) is scripted. However, considering Kim owes her fame to a sex tape and very little else, perhaps she should be careful about the advice she dispenses. It’s a long fall off that high, bedazzled horse.  

Rob and his wise sister, Kim. Who needs Solomon, Gandhi, and Mr. Miyagi when you have Keeping Up with the Kardashians?  

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that she took her five minutes and ran with it. For that, she—and her family—should get some credit. After all, not everyone with a famous sex tape is still relevant—right, Paris?—but c’mon! She makes it sound like she spent years working three jobs; foregoing vacations, new clothes, and sometimes dinner in order to save money; walking uphill to school, in the snow, every day for years; and investing countless amounts of blood, sweat and tears in order to—one day—maybe be successful. False. She had a well-connected dad who, in turn, introduced her to well-connected families.

Let’s be clear: She may’ve worked hard, but people have given her things and to suggest anything less is laughable and offensive to those who really have worked their way up from the bottom. It just goes to show, in case there was ever any doubt, how truly out of touch Kim Kardashian is. Of course, considering this woman is dating Kanye West and buying $150,000 cars, I suppose most of us already knew that.

And it’s probably precisely why people watch her show. 

In Memoriam

Since it’s no secret that we here at ATG love the British royal family—and plan on being part of it someday—it seems appropriate to honor the late great Princess Diana, who died tragically 15 years ago today. I won’t go into the details of her death, since I’m sure all of you are more than familiar with what happened. I will say, however, that I learned of her death during the celebration of my Sweet 16 birthday and have, ever since, felt a special kinship with her (sons).

By all accounts, Diana was a beautiful, charismatic creature, but she was also flawed and insecure. What’s undeniable, however, is how much she loved her boys.

In many ways, they are her greatest legacy--or were, until fairly recently. But one can’t help wondering how things would be different if she was still alive. Would her sons still be making such rotten choices (see Prince Harry’s naked Las Vegas romp and Prince William’s work-shy wife for examples)? After all, princess or not, a mom's guidance is priceless; and, once gone, she's simply irreplaceable, no matter how many Middletons you have trying to squeeze themselves into the void.

Call Me Patriotic

It's a rare moment when this opinionated writer checks her judgment and sarcasm at the door, but you lucky readers are about to witness it. Take it in because it’s a lot like seeing Bigfoot or the aurora borealis: a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Last month, I linked to an NBC video of the U.S. Olympic swim team “singing” Carly Rae Jepsen’s, Call Me Maybe; and today you get to see some of the fine men of the United States Army—currently stationed in Afghanistan—performing to the same song. As the proud daughter of a Vietnam veteran and niece/cousin of several military personnel (both active duty and retired), I am a firm supporter of our men and women in uniform and am glad to see that they’re able to find some levity in such a difficult situation.

Until Every One Comes Home…