Call Me Patriotic

It's a rare moment when this opinionated writer checks her judgment and sarcasm at the door, but you lucky readers are about to witness it. Take it in because it’s a lot like seeing Bigfoot or the aurora borealis: a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Last month, I linked to an NBC video of the U.S. Olympic swim team “singing” Carly Rae Jepsen’s, Call Me Maybe; and today you get to see some of the fine men of the United States Army—currently stationed in Afghanistan—performing to the same song. As the proud daughter of a Vietnam veteran and niece/cousin of several military personnel (both active duty and retired), I am a firm supporter of our men and women in uniform and am glad to see that they’re able to find some levity in such a difficult situation.

Until Every One Comes Home…

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Of all the things one could criticize Prince William for—unwillingness to take on royal duties, being spoiled and stubborn, choosing a worthless consort—Justin Bieber chose, wait for it, the prince’s hair (or lack thereof) to attack. The Biebster was recently interviewed by U.K.’s Rollercoaster magazine and said, in reference to prince William’s thinning locks, “I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia. I don’t know why he doesn’t just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?”

Would you take hair advice from this guy?!

I must admit, I, too, have wondered why Prince Baldylocks hasn’t chosen to treat this problem. Sure, it’s superficial, but we live in a superficial world and surely a prince would want to look his best—especially when he has unlimited resources to do so. I mean, obviously his wife has no problem spending the taxpayers' money in abundance to make herself look good(ish). Why can’t the heir as well?

His hair-filled days are obviously numbered.

But, it turns out that little Justin was wrong. According to various health experts, Propecia doesn’t replenish lost hair; it simply prevents continued hair loss. It also apparently prevents procreation, as one of the side effects is a reduced libido. I would imagine that very little could reduce the poor prince’s libido more than his skeletal wife, but if he intends to do his duty of siring an heir and a spare, it’s probably best to stay away from such drugs. Maybe he could get some of that hair in a can instead.

Getting back to the Bieb’s comment, though…

In his defense I can kind of see where he’s coming from. After all, his luscious locks are really all he has going for him. Once he and his fanlets hit puberty, Bieber is assured a one-way ticket to Has-Beenville, so it’s understandable that going bald is such a terrifying concept for him. Plus, he’s proven time and again that he’s not very smart. We should just start expecting this nonsense to spew from his uneducated mouth and save ourselves the time and energy it takes to be offended.   

Now that we’ve cleared that up, and while we’re still on the topic of royals, check out this adorable interview with a very young Charles and Diana, and an even younger William and Harry, looking every bit like a happy family unit. I suppose it just goes to show how deceiving looks can be, as it wasn’t too much later that this “happy family” completely imploded. 

Eat Your Heart Out, Ponce de León

Juan Ponce de León would be proud. Five centuries after his infamous search for the Fountain of Youth landed him in Florida, the allusive fountain has finally been found. In a plastic surgeon’s office. You want evidence? I give you Exhibit A:

Jackie Stallone at the Expendables 2 premiere.

Sure, Sylvester Stallone’s mom, Jackie, looks a hot mess, but she looks like a hot mess in her 70s. Would it surprise you to hear, then, that this woman, the woman who sired Rocky, is actually 90?!

Apparently all the collagen, saline, and Botox have had an embalming effect on her body. She may scare small children, but she will never age. And, in the end, isn’t that all that really matters? I guess in that respect, the world hasn’t changed much in the last 500 years.

Her Cheating Heart

Unfortunately for Robert Pattison, it's not just Kristen Stewart's heart that's been cheating. Nope, it appears that she’s been engaging in some extracurricular activities with a man nearly twice her age. Sure, it's an old story—one that I'm sure you've all heard about—but fortunately for us, the break-up of this Twilight twosome is the gift that keeps on giving. 

 The loved-up couple when they were still loved-up.  

When the news broke that Bella had cheated on Edward with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her latest forgettable film, Snow White and the Hunstman, people were shocked, and I must admit, I was too—not because she’d cheated (hello, it's Hollywood), but because KStew is still getting work as an actress. Am I the only one aware of her total inability to act? This girl, at the ripe old age of 22, is already the clear front-runner for the Lifetime Achievement Razzie, ahead of such acting greats as Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz. That’s saying a lot.

But back on topic…

The irony gods were most definitely smiling on us with this one as, just weeks before, RPatz gave an interview to Italian Vanity Fair saying that he “never understood” people who cheat. It’s not surprising, then, that five seconds after the story broke, he was seen moving out of the bat cave he shared with his philandering lover.

Of course, the story is quite sad if you consider that these are real people, with real feelings, and not just performing monkeys whose sole purpose is to amuse us. The reality is, Sanders is married with two children. How long he’ll stay married is anyone’s guess, but his wife doesn’t appear to think it will be for long. She’s recently been seen without her wedding ring, which isn’t necessarily surprising, but is still awfully sad—at least for their kids.

As for Pattinson, who allegedly wrote love songs for his trampire (thank you, Will Ferrell, for the one funny thing you’ve ever said), and was rumored to be planning a marriage proposal any minute, he seems to be fairing okay. He clearly wins in the court of public opinion and he’s just not a good enough actor to put on a brave face that convincingly if there wasn’t some truth behind it. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone’s choice in partner—I myself have been known to make some really, really bad dating choices—but, really, what did he lose? Kristen Stewart? An exceedingly awkward, clown-dressing (see below), embarrassingly bad actress who has a perma-look of constipation on her face? No biggie. 

 Do you think she looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn! I look good!" The scariest part? She's allowed to vote.  

I never really understood what he saw in her in the first place (or, to be fair, vice versa). And now that he’s single, I’m sure there are plenty of girls impatiently waiting to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

For instance, this girl:

Should we start taking bets on how long it will be before this YouTube darling has her own reality show?

Lucky for Robsten, the Twilight movies are in the can, so at least they’re saved from having to shoot uncomfortable love scenes. It's a shame, though, about the painfully long press tour they'll still have to embark on. How do you say “awkward” in Vampire? 

An Olympic-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, the U.S. kicked some serious international butt in the swimming pool this week. One of the butt-kickers was none other than the adorable Nathan Adrian, who won gold in the 100-meter freestyle. And, the best news of all (for him) is that he didn’t even have a wardrobe malfunction, something he’s had problems with in the past (check out the guy in the middle with the white cap). Of course, my love for his face was tempered quite a bit when I realized that he reminded me of my brother. That just ain’t right.

Nathan Adrian, my brother from another mother

Oh well. It never would’ve worked anyway. He’s barely out of utero.

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In case you haven’t heard, the Olympics are in London this year, which means a fair amount of royal-family coverage (although, let’s be honest, the press doesn’t really need a reason to plaster pictures of Waity—or (not-so) Weighty—Katie all over the universe). I don’t particularly care about a large percentage of the royals, but we can never get enough Sweet Ginger Prince pics here at ATG. How can you not love this guy?

Thumbs up, buttercup!

Prince Fabulous, in the flesh

If loving him is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

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In case you haven’t heard, the international gymnastic powers-that-be are doing everything they can to ruin the sport. First, they did away with the rule that the top 25 gymnasts go to the all-around competition—regardless of country—and instead, wanting to spread the wealth, now send the top two from each country—regardless of skill level. Sure, makes (absolutely no) sense. But their truly moronic tie-breaking rule tops even that.

Let me set the stage: American Gabby Douglas won gold in the women’s all-around (Go, Gabby!), which I have no beef with. 

Don't let the sweet smile fool you; Gabby Douglas is hardcore.

But, the other American competing in the all-around, Aly Raisman, tied Russian diva, Aliya Mustafina, for the bronze. Unlike swimming, however, both athletes are not awarded a medal in the event of a tie. No, that would make too much sense.

You see, in women’s gymnastics, the athletes compete in four different events or rotations: vault, balance beam, uneven bars, and floor exercise. And the new rule says that, in the event of a tie, the judges should add the scores from the athlete’s top three events--which is essentially the same as dropping her lowest score from the fourth event--and whoever has the best score after that, wins. It sounds fair enough until you break it down. The ladies both had a total all-around score of 59.566 for their four events, with both their lowest scores coming on balance beam: 14.200 for Raisman and 13.66 for Mustafina (which reflected a fall off the beam).  

America's Raisman (L) and Russia's Mustafina (R)

So far so good?

Here’s the problem (and stick with me because it could get messy): Subtracting a smaller number (a worse score) from the total all-around score gives you a larger remainder (i.e. a higher final score). This means that because Raisman scored higher on beam, a 14.200, subtracting her score gives her a lower overall score than Mustafina, who only scored a 13.66. (Bet you weren’t bargaining for all this ATG math.)

It looks like this:

Raisman: 59.566 (overall score) – 14.200 (beam score) = 45.366 (new overall score)

Mustafina: 59.566 (overall score) – 13.66 (beam score) = 45.906 (new overall score)

Therefore, because Mustafina’s worst event scored lower than Raisman’s, she ended up with a higher overall score and, consequently, the bronze medal. If I’m missing something here, please let me know, because at this point I can’t see any logic in the tie-breaker system. I mean, in what universe does it make sense to reward the person with the lower score by giving her a medal?

Apparently, in the gymnastics universe, and that just ain’t right.

Weep Not for the Memories

Here’s some information you can file under Random and, perhaps, Why Should I Care?. Apparently, around the time Jason Priestley was moving to Beverly Hills and Brad Pitt was seducing Geena Davis, the two heartthrobs were also hanging out together. 

  Pitt is on the far left and Priestley is the mullet-loving dude (I know, that doesn't narrow it down) at second from right.  

Who knew?

Of course, I’m most impressed with Jason’s choice of living room furniture. As a struggling actor, obviously you have to prioritize, and who has money to waste on chairs you won’t stick to when there’s beer and Doritos to be bought? But the two look comfy enough, as do the rest of their squad, as they cozied up to watch the 1990 Super Bowl.

So what’s the take-away here? Football brings people together—even pre-famous pretty boys who’ve made questionable hair choices.

Say What?!

Few would argue that 2008 was Michael Phelps’s Olympics. He won eight gold medals—setting an Olympic record—and became America’s most celebrated swimmer since Flipper.  

The Phelpster with one of his latest medals.

You may be surprised to learn, then, that there were actually other swimmers representing the United States in Beijing. Shocking, I know, but plenty of Americans were swimming out their Olympic dreams that year, and it’s my belief that they should’ve gotten some publicity as well. That’s why it was so refreshing to see that, this year, other swimmers are getting (almost) as much attention. I was especially glad to see Ryan Lochte at the head of the press pack, seeing as how his dad coached my friend’s cousins, so I basically know him (six degrees and everything. It totally counts).

Unfortunately, my happiness was short-lived (story of my life) when I made the mistake of watching Ryan in an interview. Let’s just say that he should probably stick to swimming and print ads. And after reading an interview his mom gave recently, it’s fairly clear that foot-in-mouth disease runs in the family. 

The heartthrob and his loose-lipped mom

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I was horrified when I first read Ike Lochte’s quote that Ryan, “goes out on one-night stands,” a revelation that seemed to indicate that Ms. Lochte had taken a page out of Kris Jenner’s favorite book: The Idiot’s Guide to Being a Terrible Parent. However, on closer inspection, I think perhaps she just misspoke. After all, she followed up by saying that “He's not able to give fully to a relationship because he's always on the go.” So, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that what she meant to say was that her son is too busy to date anyone seriously. It’s not that he has one-night stands, but one-night—or one-time—dates. Meaning, he’s too busy for a relationship, so he just dates casually. Now, whether or not those dates end in one-night stands, I couldn’t say.

And I sincerely hope his mother can’t either.