Blame It on the (Golden) Showers

We have failed you, but it wasn’t intentional.

Blame it on work. Blame it on life. Blame it on the rain.

Actually, no, blame it on Kim Kardashian and the innocent byproduct of her poor life choices, Baby Kimye (whose real name is North West, by the way. They literally named their baby after a compass. This stuff practically writes itself).

It was our distraction with this ever-present train wreck that resulted in our complete and utter failure to keep you abreast of all things royal. And even if the Westdashians’ guilt couldn’t technically be proven beyond all reasonable doubt in a court of law, I’m fairly certain that nearly every negative thing in life is a result, either directly or indirectly, of Kim Kardashian.

BUT, it doesn’t really matter who’s to blame (although it’s still totally KK’s fault), the fact remains that there was a royal wedding…and we went nearly a month without reporting on it. The shame is only heightened by the fact that it was a real royal family, not some weird, under-the-radar royal family from a country you only hear about on Jeopardy.

Sadly, you still may not be aware of these recent nuptials, as they didn’t happen to a British royal and, you know, those Windsors are the only ones that really matter. How can the press possibly be expected to report on Sweden’s royals when Kate Middleton got up and put clothes on this morning? Over a baby bump! Does her talent know no bounds?! She is such an inspiration!

But this post isn’t about Kate or the royal family she invaded. No, this is Sweden’s turn in the spotlight. And Princess Madeleine shone brightly as she married her commoner husband in June. (Clearly the princess is obsessed with the Cambridges. I mean, first she copies their engagement-photo pose and then she chooses a spouse whose blood doesn’t run blue. The only difference is, Maddie married someone who knows how to work.)

The groom? A British-born, Manhattan-based banker named Chris O’Neill, whom the Swedish beauty apparently met in the Big Apple after fleeing there in an attempt to escape a broken heart (even princesses get cheated on). And escape it she did, in the arms of an average joe.

The two married at the Royal Palace, in front of many of the world’s royals and socialites, in a lavish wedding fit for a king. Or princess. The extravagant nuptials were then followed by a carriage ride through the capital and a public kiss. (Who does that remind you of? This obsession is getting creepy.)

Despite the wedding, Mr. Princess Madeleine of Sweden remains about as common as they come – for a successful, New York businessman, of course – as he apparently chose not to take a title, not wanting to become a Swedish citizen. He has, however, opted to wear a wedding ring, unlike other British-born grooms we know.

So, what now for these two? It’s said that they will soon return to their lives in Manhattan – and their jobs. Hmm, royal consorts who work?

Inconceivable!

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, I found myself at an enchanted mall, clothes-shopping with a friend. (Isn’t everything in California enchanted, or is that just the medical marijuana talking?) As we moved from rack to rack, I happened to notice a mannequin above me, modeling some trendy, overly priced outfit.

And that’s when I saw them.

Nipples.

On the mannequin.

Maybe someone should turn down the a/c...

Maybe I’m missing something here. Could someone please explain to me why in the world mannequins need nipples? Who decided this was a good idea? I haven’t taken a poll or anything, but don’t most women go out of their way to avoid such a situation? Isn’t that why there’s no end to the amount of covers and petals and padded bras on the market? (Okay, so maybe padded bras serve a dual purpose.) I mean, I have friends who literally use band-aides to prevent this kind of embarrassment. So why on earth would someone decide that women want to see what a shirt looks like with their headlights showing?

It would be kind of funny if it wasn’t so gross.

An Open Letter to Blue Ivy Carter

Dear Blue Ivy,

So... the day we all knew was coming is finally here.  And on father's day eve.  That's going to be one story that is never gonna get old, huh?  Oy.

We know what you're thinking.  It's going to be a long rest of your life being forced to be BFFs with little-name-yet-unannounced-baby-girl-Kimye.  It must be ringing in your ears "forever-ever-ever-ever".

On behalf of us here at ATG, we are truly sorry for you but there is a silver lining.

"But how is this possible?" you ask.  "I've been whining at Daddy J and Momma B for months!"

Well, Blue... we aren't particularly proud of this little life lesson.  In every girl's life you, on occasion, need a friend whose mere existance serves to make you feel better about yourself.  The at-least-I'm-not- her friend.  Our advice?  Let baby Klassy Kardashian-West be that friend.  It will be good for you.

Feeling a little down?  Don't worry.  Call up Klassy for an instant ego boost.  Let us examine the top five reasons:

Klassy's mom, hard at work.

1.  This is Klassy's mother.  A reality tv star- an oxymoron, no?  And her mother is two weeks away from being Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Slimfast/liposuction's newest paid celebrity endorser.  Kinda a far cry from your mother- a songstress, fashion designer, and spokes model.

A Google search of Kanye West Ridiculous Outfit broke the internet. 

2.  This is Klassy's father.  He has a messiah complex and refers to himself as Yeezus- aye Dios.  Not exactly the same as your father- a rapper, self-made man, co-owner of the Brooklyn Nets, and future sports agent.

Quick!  Kim and Kanye- start hawking a facial hair remover for babies.  Call it Klean-Up for Kidz!

3.  Her parents will sell her baby pictures to a tabloid for millions.  Your parents quietly released a few snaps via tumblr.

Not Klassy's Father.

4.  Both of little Klassy's parents have sex tapes.  We don't want to ruin your innocence but you know what happens in your diaper after too much apple juice?  In Aunty Kim's tape, she was the diaper.

Again, not Klassy's father.

5.  Your parents were married to each other at the time of your conception.  Klassy's mom was married to another man... no not the man in the sex tape.  A man she married to boost the ratings on her reality tv show... that last sentence is going to buy more than one shrink a Maybach.  

And just remember... at least Kim and Yeezus had a girl.   Because if it has been a boy, her low-rent, social climbing parents would have arranged a marriage faster than you could say dowry.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE.

Love,

The Girls at ATG

P.S.  We hear your parents pay $1 million a month for your nannies.  Call us.

Maybe If I Speak Slower…

It's that time again. Time for another injection of ATG's patented truth serum.

But before I break out the syringe, let me first say that, after seeing more recent pictures of her, I’m almost ready to concede that Kate Middleton may in fact be pregnant, which means that, yes, the Deficient Duchess was born under the luckiest star imaginable.

This is a girl, a rather plain one if we’re being honest (and we’re ALWAYS honest here at ATG), who snagged a prince and the limitless adoration of an entire universe without doing one actual thing to earn it. This is a woman whose laziness and unwillingness to work has been documented for years (and, really, her job consists of planting trees and smiling, how hard is that?) yet she’s hailed as a role model for young girls. This is a girl who asks questions like, Can you test the smell (of tea) by smelling it? but is simultaneously held up as the ideal of perfection.

Why?

Because she’s skinny, smiles a lot, says very little (which is probably a direct result of the whole tea-smelling incident), wears (ugly) clothes well, and has shiny hair, which she appears to hot-roller into big, bouncy curls. Listen, I’m not judging her hairstyle choices. I’ve also been known to hot-roller my hair into big, bouncy curls. Of course, I was in eighth grade.

 I feel like I've seen this pattern before. Oh, yeah. On my grandma's couch. 

But you already know all of this, so there’s really no need to go over it all again.

Let’s instead focus on some more recent news. One of the latest rumors to come flying out of the mill is that, after the alleged baby is born, the Deficient Duchess won’t be staying in the wing of the palace that she and her husband are renovating with $1.5 million of their own hard-earned money. Oh, wait, hold on. My mistake. Someone worked hard for that money but it definitely wasn’t the Loathsome Twosome.

But it doesn't matter who's paying for the renovations because our fair Kate won’t be gracing the halls of Kensington Palace anytime soon. She will instead be staying with…

I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

Meddling Ma Middleton, of course!

Who better to raise the future queen (or king) of England than a(n alleged) scheming social-climber? That’s great. The heir still can’t marry a Catholic for fear of what it would do to the monarchy, but pushy, calculating in-laws? No problem!

Some people are understandably annoyed with this latest revelation, lamenting that if royals are just going to act like everyone else, what’s the point of having them. This logical argument has been met with some disagreement, the main dissenting opinion being that every new mother should be allowed to take her baby home to mom for the first few weeks. I almost agree. But does every new mother live in a palace? Does every new mother get to live off the taxpayers’ hard-earned money? Is every new mother married to a prince?

Uh, no.

This is the point I’ve been trying to make from the beginning. She’s not normal. She’s not like you and me. Sure, under normal circumstances there’s no problem with a young woman foregoing a job so that she can stay home and take care of her husband/family, or choosing to spend holidays solely with her family as opposed to his, or going to live with her mom for six weeks after birthing her baby. Nothing wrong with that at all. The difference is, KATE’S NOT NORMAL. She didn’t want to be normal. She (and her mom) went to great lengths to make sure that she ended up with an abnormally royal life. Yes, it carries with it some responsibilities, but it also comes with plenty of perks.

The way I see it, Kate needs to pick a side: either be a princess and enjoy all the perks that come with it, as well as some of the less pleasant aspects, or become “every woman” and stop nursing off the public’s teat.

It doesn’t make any difference to me which side you choose, Kate, but just like Benedict Arnold, you’re going to have to pick a side.

Go With Your Gut

Remember when you were about to take a test in school and your teacher would tell you to go with your gut when you answered the questions, that your first instinct was probably right? Well, last week, the always-with-their-finger-on-the-pulse-of-reality magazine, People pretty much proved this point by bestowing its most coveted honor – the World’s Most Beautiful Woman title – on the GOOPist herself, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Apparently People’s world is very small. Not so surprising, actually, considering their entire existence revolves around the world of fake breasts, teeth, hair, and talent. 

  The World's Most Beautiful Woman. No, seriously. People decreed it so it must be true.   

 

So, what does this have to do with taking a test? Well, although People may think that the GOOPster is the world’s most beautiful woman, the publishing world’s first reaction – its gut feeling, if you will – was to name her the most hated person in America, with Star magazine bestowing this honor on her just a few weeks earlier.

Obviously one can be both beautiful and hate-inducing; these are not mutually exclusive traits. But Gwynnie would have to be absolutely stunning on the outside to make up for her complete lack of stunningness on the inside. Some people obviously think she’s succeeded in this endeavor. I don’t agree.

This is a woman who claims to represent every woman, but then does stuff like choosing a woman’s must-have wardrobe for the season which, when all the pieces are added up, comes to over $20,000. I’m fairly certain that “every woman” doesn’t get an annual clothes budget of $20K. In fact, I’d venture a guess that Gwyneth spends on clothes what most women make in a year – if they’re lucky.

This is also a woman who designed a COTTON T-SHIRT that she sells for $90, a t-shirt, by the way, that only comes in one size and is guaranteed to fit sizes 0-8. I’m pretty sure a woman who wears a size 8 is built slightly differently than one who wears a 0. AND, what kind of elitist shirt is this? Apparently to be “every woman” you can't be any bigger than an 8. Any bigger than that and you cease to matter. Not so surprising considering the GOOPest was raised in Plasticville, amongst the plastics. In her world, if you don’t like the body God gave you, you buy a new one.  

So, are you sold on her beauty yet? How about her dislikability?

And in case you just can’t get enough of the hate and are wondering who rounded out the top 20 Most Hated, wonder no more:

20. Chris Brown: Admitted girlfriend-beater. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

19. Jesse James a.k.a. Mr. Sandra Bullock: Broke the heart of America's Sweetheart by cheating on her with a Nazi-loving tattooholic. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

18. Taylor Swift: Sings irritating songs in an irritating voice and makes increasingly bad relationship choices...which she then writes irritating songs about that she sings in an irritating voice. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

17. Shia LaBeouf: I don't really get this one. Is he even still around?

16. Lindsay Lohan: A drunken has-been who can't seem to stay out of bars...or court. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

15. Angelina Jolie: See #17.

14. Jay Leno: Has a really huge chin and next to no ability to make me laugh. Oh, yeah, and he pretty much screwed Conan O'Brien out of a job. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

13. Ashton Kutcher: Loud, obnoxious adulterer; produces crap like Beauty and the Geek. Still less hated than Gwyneth (although more hated than Taylor Swift, which I don't really understand).

12. LeAnn Rimes: Word-vomiting, man-stealing Twitteraholic. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

11. Kris Jenner: Spawned the Kardashians. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

10. Kim Kardashian: Self-adoring, completely overrated narcissist who allows herself to be peed on. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

9. Anne Hathaway: See #10 (minus the peeing part). Still less hated than Gwyneth.

8. Justin Bieber: Foolish, foolish immature man-child who can't go five minutes without saying something royally stupid. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

7. Madonna: Self-adoring, faux-English-accent-using (hello, she's from Michigan!), completely overrated narcissist with no self-respect. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

6. Matt Lauer: Two words: Benedict Arnold. Totally threw my beloved Ann Curry under the bus, resulting in her losing her job. And, again, a totally overrated narcissist (I'm seeing a pattern here...). Still less hated than Gwyneth.

5. Katherine Heigl: Subpar actress with a resume full of nearly unwatchable flops. Also a self-adoring, overrated...well, you get the drift. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

4. John Mayer: Please, does this one even require explanation? Still less hated than Gwyneth.

3. Jennifer Lopez: Adulteress with an ego even bigger than her ass. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

2. Kristen Stewart: Subpar actress with no fashion sense, a broken moral compass, and a perma-look of constipation on her face. Still less hated than Gwyneth.

And, of course...

1. Gwyneth Paltrow: The Most Hated Person in America

You may notice that a lot of these people are characters that we’ve previously blogged about hating.

Apparently ATG is more with it than People.

But, then, you probably already knew that.