A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

While we here at ATG do subscribe to the theory that it’s best not to discuss politics or religion with your friends – at least friends you intend on keeping – and that an entertainment blog is the last place to bring up either, there’s been some late-breaking, life-altering news that must be shared! Although this news could be filed under “religiousy” (if that was a real word), it is actually much more about the British royal family, the Sweet Ginger Prince, and, most specifically, one girl’s dream to conquer both.

Who's excited about a new royal addition?! No, not a baby. An American princess!

Sounds like changes may be afoot for the world’s most overpublicized royals. The World Wide Web is abuzz with the news that British Prime Minister David Cameron has proposed a few legal reforms; reforms that would essentially abolish several antiquated laws dating back to the 17^th century. What does this mean for us? A couple things, actually.

First, it means that, should Waity double up on her helpings of kidney pie and black pudding and actually gain a pound – or twenty – and, should said weight-gain result in a long-anticipated pregnancy for the Duke and Duchess, and, should said baby be a girl, the little queen could very possibly rule over all the lands (eventually). As it stands now, it’s the first son who gets that honor and not the first born. Of course, unless you’re planning to be reincarnated as Waity’s progeny, this first change won’t affect your life much.

 

What could have an impact, however, is my second piece of good news. Up until now, the heir to the British throne could marry a Buddhist. He could marry a Muslim. He could even marry an atheist. He could not, however, marry a Catholic—one more thing we can blame on Henry VIII. It perhaps had something to do with the bad blood and mass murdering that has taken place between Protestants and Catholics throughout the years. But, under Prime Minister Cameron’s proposal, this too would be thrown out; which means, ladies, that our St. Jude novenas are on their way to being answered!

Not only would Prince Harry be able to marry a nice, Catholic girl, but he wouldn’t even have to abdicate; meaning, that a nice, Catholic girl could someday be a nice, Catholic princess. (Of course, whether Prince Harry is interested in nice girls of any denomination is another topic entirely.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some glass slippers to go Windex.  

SWM with ginger hair seeks S(?)F of princess quality. Grace Kelly types encouraged to apply.

And the Truth Shall Set You Free

I’m sorry to tell you this, my friends, but you’ve been lied to; and it’s a lie that I can no longer perpetuate. I sincerely apologize if this news shatters your world, like finding out the true identity of Santa Claus or Charlie Sheen, but the truth is the truth. And the truth must be told.

What is that truth, you ask. Well, mis amigos, the truth I refer to is this: the real, super-secret identity of one of the world’s most celebrated superheroes, Superman. I may be arrested for revealing his name – after all, many people have spent many dollars perpetuating the lie of Clark Kent – but the truth is, Superman is really…

Wait for it…

RYAN GOSLING!



Here he comes to save the day! SuperHunk is on his way!

Surprised? It’s true. And here’s the proof. (Notice how he puts his own life in jeopardy, and risks revealing his true identity, to save these poor, helpless, angry, thieving New Yorkers.)

Admittedly, it’s an old-ish video, one that got its fair share of publicity. What didn’t get publicity, however, is who Ryan’s alter ego is (that privileged information is available solely to you faithful ATG readers). Sure, he looks unassuming enough in his convict-inspired tank top and capri sweatpants, but underneath it all is a man of steel. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense – especially if you’ve seen Crazy, Stupid, Love. This man clearly needs no factory-produced, muscle-sculpted breast plate. No faux pectorals need apply on this body, if you know what I mean.

So, next time you’re in trouble, don’t bother with your pepper spray or cell phone. There’s no need to call 911, your mom, or even Ghostbusters. Nope, just send up a little shout-out to SuperHunk Ryan Gosling and wait for the saving to commence.

And, remember folks, you heard it here first.

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

Ashton and Demi in happier times

In case you haven’t heard, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have separated. That’s right; it seems that Ashton has moved out of their love nest amid rumors of infidelity.  Now, I don’t doubt for a second that cheating took place—probably on both sides, although whether it ever involved two girls in a hot tub, I couldn’t say—but the skeptic in me wonders if this is, in large part, a publicity stunt. 

It’s a poorly held secret in Hollywood that celebrity publicists will plant stories in the media, specifically when their clients have work to promote. The clients can then passionately deny said stories, thereby giving them even more media attention. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. (Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston’s “people” are especially good at this, which I happen to believe, considering she hasn’t had a hit in years and yet still manages to land herself on the cover of innumerable magazines amid wedding and pregnancy rumors.) 

I’m not saying that this is what’s going on with Demi and Ashton, but it is peculiar timing, what with Ashton recently stepping into Charlie Sheen’s easily filled shoes on Two and a Half Men; and let’s face it, Demi has to be itching for some attention considering she hasn’t really been relevant since, well, since she married Ashton and became the world’s most famous cougar. Seems like now would be a good time for both of them to hurl themselves into the spotlight -- and guarantee they’ll stay there a while -- by announcing a marital separation.  

Regis and Kelly in happier times

In case you haven’t heard, Regis Philbin is leaving Live with Regis and Kelly sometime this year, after nearly 28 years with the show. And to that I say, thank goodness. Listen, I understand that he’s 80, that he’s been a television fixture since the 1960s, and that he is quite possibly “the hardest working man in show business,” but despite all this, or perhaps because of it, it’s time to hang up his mic. 

The reality is, he’s 80; and, although he’s a pretty impressive 80-year-old, he’s no longer an impressive talk-show host. He calls people by the wrong name or forgets their names altogether, he stumbles for titles of projects his guests are promoting, he rarely seems to know anything about the person he’s interviewing, and he gets generally confused by, well, just about everything. 

Please don’t get me wrong, he’s had an amazing run and will go down in history as one of the greats. However, even the greats need to retire. Is Bob Barker still hosting Showcase Showdowns? Nope. Is Dick van Dyke still tripping over couches and running into doors? Not that I know of. Is Joe Montana still throwing the old pigskin? I don’t think so. It’s high time we add Regis to that list. After all, mock yelling at the camera can only hide for so long the fact that you have no idea who you are or what you’re talking about. 

The Most Beautiful Woman in the World and Kieran Culkin

In case you haven’t heard, Scarlet Johansson is tied, along with Kate Middleton, for the title of Most Beautiful Woman in the World. After seeing this picture, I finally understand why, and have no doubt that you will also. Wow. Forgive me. I’ve been rendered speechless by her…beauty, so I’ll just leave you to marinate on the magnificence that is Scarlet Johansson. Consider it my parting gift to you.

You’re welcome.

Attention: Robert Stack

Well, folks, you can add it to the lengthy list of things we’ll most likely never know the answers to – an unsolved mystery, if you will – not unlike: are aliens for real and what did Mickey Rourke do to his face? I’m talking, not about how Kate Middleton somehow captured, not only a prince, but also the world’s unconditional love and adoration (although that, too, is something I’d like the answer to) but, instead, about why she always carries a clutch/purse. What could she possibly need it for? Doesn’t she have “people” to do that for her?

Seriously, I’d really like to know what’s in there. Is it:

Money? Nope. Rumor has it that the royals don’t carry money -- and, despite my greatest efforts, Kate is now a royal -- so, obviously, she does have people to at least take care of that for her.

I.D.? Considering she’s one of the most famous women in the world, not to mention the fact that she’s always accompanied by a prince, I’d say doubtful.

Lady supplies? Again, highly doubtful, as every article has her either pregnant or so skinny that she can’t conceive; either way, it’s unlikely that she’d need any kind of feminine product.

Makeup? Gee, I hope not. If she puts on anymore black eyeliner, she’ll start to look like a cornerback for the 49ers.  

So, if it’s not to carry any of the aforementioned items, then why does she need a purse? Is it to show that she’s just one of us? Just a normal girl who fell (or schemed, depending on who you ask) into this royal life? She is a “commoner,” after all. (I mean, don’t we all come from common, millionaire families?)

If her goal is to appeal to the masses, she needs to try a little harder – at least to appeal to this mass. I personally think she carries a purse so as to better display her ring – a ring that is absolutely proof positive that bigger isn’t always better and that money can’t buy good taste – without looking too obvious. 

 

What ring?

I must say, though, considering she’s right-handed, Waity’s getting quite good at using her left hand for just about everything – waving, gesturing, messing with her hair – so as to best display her ostentatious jewel. Just a friendly reminder, in case we happen to forget, of who she married and the ring he gave her.  

It’s her way of saying, “Hey, I’m just like you…only so much better.”

A smile that says, “You, too, can have it all if you’re willing to waste your ridiculously expensive degree waiting around for a decade for your boyfriend to decide if he wants to marry you.”