You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby

The year was 2001. The show was Survivor. The season was The Australian Outback. And the boy (because there’s always a boy) was Colby Donaldson.

I loved Colby Donaldson – and everything named Colby by extension: cheese, the computer with the missing memory, my pet duck (who may or may not have been named for the Survivor), everything.

I must admit that I was slightly disappointed when, after Survivor, old Colbster made the oh-so-cliché move from small-town Texas to the bright lights of Hollywood in order to pursue an acting career. I was even more disappointed to learn that he can’t act. At all. (I would assume casting directors were a bit disappointed by this as well.)

Lucky for him, he’s pretty, which is probably why he’s had marginal success as a TV host. Whatever the reason, I’m always pleasantly surprised to find his baby blues on my TV.

 We could've put a boring old picture here, but he's just SO MUCH BETTER in living color, don't you think?   

And today, my friends, the handsome lad with the limited acting ability, perfect teeth and boyish good looks turns, wait for it, FORTY.

Yikes.

I feel old. I bet he does too.

It’s a good thing some of us just keep getting better with age, huh, Colby?

Katemazing

I stumbled across an article today on Yahoo entitled, Everything Amazing Kate Middleton Did in 2013. On the list? Dressing herself (while pregnant, no less) and grocery shopping. Funny how tasks that are accomplished every day by virtually EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD become “amazing” feats when completed by the Duchess.

Before I found fame and fortune in the fast-paced and always exciting world of advertising, I spent many years nannying. The way the media deals with Kate is similar to how I used to deal with the children I sat for. When one of them learned to tie her shoes, use the grownup potty, or chew with his mouth closed, we always made a really big deal out of it. These are all pretty amazing accomplishments for children – something to be heralded – but once one passes the age of, I don’t know, four, it stops being amazing and starts being expected. I mean, if I were Kate, I might be slightly insulted that my being able to put clothes on was newsworthy.

  Here's Kate at a friend's wedding on Sunday - not only dressed but ALSO with a hat on. A-MAZING. Why, I do believe this amazing lady has earned herself yet another vacation.     

Other “amazing” things Kate did last year? Renovate her house and give birth. Listen, I’m not saying the act of childbirth isn’t amazing – it is – but it’s not exactly a rare occurrence. Thousands of women do it every day – and no one writes articles about how amazing they are. So on behalf of Yahoo, let me say: If you have given birth, gone grocery shopping, or gotten dressed in your lifetime, you are amazing. And if you’ve done it all in one year?! Well, you’re not only amazing, but also duchess-caliber.

Did I just make your day or what?

And speaking of the child who is mostly heard (of) and not seen, little George’s parents recently released a family photo of the four of them (the fourth being the dog, Lupo) hanging out the window of their aforementioned newly renovated “apartment” in Kensington Palace. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the release of this picture was to counteract all the negative press the Loathsome Twosome has gotten for a) going on yet another vacation, one that allegedly cost upwards of $10,000, b) leaving their 8-month-old son at home for an entire week while they frolicked in a tropical paradise, and c) allegedly missing said son’s first crawl.

I assume that after that kind of truth bomb marginally negative press, this calculating couple needed to present as a cohesive family unit; to show that their family, especially their baby, is priority number 1.

The happy (and amazing) family

I’m not really buying it, but a lot of folks are. In fact, a lot of folks seem to think that Kate and William deserved – seriously, I saw use of the word deserved – their Maldives vacation. I’m not entirely sure what they’ve done to deserve yet another vacation, particularly when Kate was just on a tropical holiday barely a month before, but I suppose being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is fairly exhausting.

Actually, scratch that. Being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is exhausting.

Believe me. I know.

Skirting the Issue

Leading up to the Oscars, there was a lot of chatter and speculation about what – or, more specifically, who – people would be wearing. You might think that this speculation was directed solely at those people actually attending the Oscars, but you would be wrong. As you know, the (American) media never passes up the chance to drag the Deficient Duchess into a story. She wasn’t scheduled to be at the Oscars, had no intention of being at the Oscars, but that didn’t stop an article entitled, “Kate Middleton at the Oscars: What the Duchess should wear” from being written. And published.

I must admit, it piqued my curiosity enough to click on the story. (I know. I fell right into their trap. I’m so ashamed.) It seemed a bit surprising that Kate would be at the Oscars, but not entirely outside the realm of possibility. As I began to read the article however, I realized that I’d been had. It was just a story – full of style “experts” – advising Kate on what she should wear to a place that she had no intention of going. They might as well have written a story about what Kate should wear on a trip to Kabul. To the moon. To work.

It was a royal sham. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

But before I switch gears entirely, I’d like to give a shout-out to my girl Cate Blanchett, who was at the Academy Awards and who won her very first Best Actress Oscar!

What can I say? I'm kind of awesome.

If the Academy keeps making good and respectable choices such as these, they may actually earn back some of the respect they lost after the Nicolas Cage/James Cameron/Renee Zellweger debacles.

Who thought this was a good idea?

But I wouldn't hold my breath.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming: Kate Middleton.

Our favorite duchess has been making lots of headlines lately and, surprise surprise, it’s not for her charity work. You may (not) be surprised to hear that, although she was on holiday in Mustique with baby George and the rest of the Meddleton clan in February, she and her husband are now on a “second honeymoon” in the Maldives. They apparently left their baby at home, but they did bring several taxpayer-funded Scotland Yard detectives with them. For someone who lives such a pampered life, she sure does take a lot of vacations. (And again I ask, what is it exactly that she needs a vacation from?) Of course, I too am about to take a vacation, where I'll be spending 24 hours in the car with my mom and sister on a trip to Wisconsin to help my grandmother move. So I guess I’m living a pretty glamorous life too. Envy me.

Aside from the limitless vacations, the most recent story that won’t die is that Kate is pregnant again – with a girl this time. But before you start placing bets on whether the baby’s name will be Elizabeth, Victoria or Tiffani, you should know that it was Star Magazine that “broke” this story, which makes one inclined to take it with a grain of salt. Of course, just when you think Star is all fluff and lies, it goes and breaks a legitimate story and tilts the world on its axis. Point is, I wouldn’t dismiss this tale entirely. However, if she is pregnant, and I’m not saying she is, I would have to assume that this was unplanned. She will, of course, have to produce a spare at some point, but little George hasn’t even hit the 8-month mark. Having two kids under the age of two is very hard work for the nannies. She’s already taking “heat” for her hair. (And when I say heat, I mean that a former royal hairdresser mentioned that perhaps Kate’s hair was a bit “overdone at times.” Harsh criticism to be sure.) It will be even harder for her to keep up with those hair appointments, hair treatments, and hair flips with two kids for the nannies to take care of.

  With baby #2 on the way, I suppose I will now have to find someone to act as royal hair flipper. It's so hard being me. I deserve a vacation.

The Duchess has also made quite a few recent appearances in the news for reasons entirely unrelated to her uterus. First there was the issue with Prince Charles; the one where he chose to absorb William and Kate’s press office into his own. He did this, allegedly, in an attempt to redirect focus from Kate’s hair and hem length to things like the environment, things he deems more important. (Yes, folks, apparently there are more important things than the cost of Kate’s latest ensemble and what she didn’t eat for lunch.)

And speaking of hem length, there was also the story about how the Queen requested that Kate wear longer skirts – and lots of jewels – on her upcoming trip abroad, in an effort to look more regal. I really loved this story. The article I read used this picture of Kate, in a respectably long skirt, to illustrate…what? Certainly not the Queen’s point. Perhaps that Her Majesty is being unreasonable? That poor Kate is incredibly mistreated and unfairly judged? A picture like the one below probably would have been more relevant to the story, but it also wouldn’t have fit as well with the narrative that the Queen is an antiquated old bitty and that Kate is an unappreciated fashion goddess.

It's certainly not indecent, but it does tend to lead to moments like...

This. (And Kate's had a lot of them.)

As unpopular as it is, I think that the Queen raises a valid point. I mean, let’s be honest, in the decade leading up to William finally putting a ring on it, Kate was famous for her upskirt pics (although, now she’s more known for her “windblown” moments – see above), so it seems to me that Kate’s grandmum-in-law has reason to be at least somewhat concerned.

My favorite story, though, came after Kate’s visit to Northolt High School on Valentine’s Day, to which she wore this heinous piece of clothing.

It was wretched, and yet, it didn’t take long for the obligatory peeing of the masses to ensue as they wet themselves over how beautiful her dress/person was. (Duchess’s New Clothes, anyone?)

And immediately after that came, what else, the price tag. The dress, you’re probably dying to know, was only 225 pounds (which I think was about 220 pounds too expensive, but what do I know?). For a royal with the fashion world at her fingertips, this was heralded as a frugal and down-to-earth decision. Kate’s just one of us, after all.

Except, oh wait. There’s more.

The watch she’s wearing? Over 2700 pounds. The earrings? 658 pounds. The necklace? 3950 pounds. In case you don’t have a calculator handy, let me add that up for you: over 7,000 pounds (which is about $11,600).

Listen, I understand that it’s expected that the royals will wear expensive things. I get it and I don’t begrudge her that. But don’t blow smoke up my ass about how frugal/down to earth she is. How real she is. How she gets it. And how she’s changing the face of the monarchy. I mean, she probably is changing the face of the monarchy, but not necessarily for the better.

Make no mistake, this is a privileged woman, a pampered woman, and a woman who enjoys spending money. Yes, it's obvious that she loves those pounds.

Just not on her body.

From Russia with Love

Before I begin, please allow me to take a quick moment to explain to our fellow media agencies how time zones work. Sochi is in Russia. This means that Sochi is in a different time zone. In fact, Sochi is anywhere from 9 to 14 hours ahead of the United States, depending on where you are and if I did my math right. This is all to say that Olympic events have happened long before they air in the USA. Fine. There are people living in this very country who already know who won today’s events. Fine. But I shouldn’t have to fear going online because I might inadvertently discover who won the gold medal in ice dancing – especially when I’m trying to read an entirely unrelated story.

I understand that your job is to report the news. And who the medal winners are is most definitely newsworthy. However, until those medal-winning events have aired in our home country, could you please refrain from revealing anything unless I, the reader, have intentionally clicked on the story? (Did we learn nothing from NBC?) Saying spoiler alert and then immediately proceeding, in the same sentence, to reveal the unsought-after information isn’t much of an alert. Nor is posting a picture which clearly reveals as much as any written story ever could.

Do we understand each other? Good, then we can proceed.

I enjoy the Olympics. They always bring with them many heart-warming, sometimes heart-wrenching, oftentimes scandalous stories. History is made and countries are shamed. It’s good TV.

Here are just a few of what I think are the most heart-warming, heart-wrenching, history-making stories to come out of Sochi so far.

First there was the story about the U.S. bobsledder who got stuck in the bathroom. Johnny Quinn was just taking a shower, minding his own business, when the door to the bathroom somehow jammed. Not having a cell phone on his person – because, you know, he was in the shower and because, you know, he’s not 16; a 16-year-old would have had his cell phone with him regardless – he had to Hulk his way out and bust the door down. 

 Johnny Quinn: The man. The myth. The legend.  

Incidentally, Quinn spent approximately 15 seconds as a wide receiver for the Green Bay Packers in 2008, so I’m fairly certain that the moves he learned on the field also came in handy. I mean, seriously, Packer receivers aren't so different from the Hulk. They’re both large, muscular, and wear green outfits.

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American skier Bode Miller became not only the most decorated American Alpine skier in Olympic history, but also an internet sensation when he broke down in a post-race interview on Sunday after winning bronze in the men’s Super-G. He was asked about his brother who died suddenly last year at the age of 29 and became so emotional that he couldn’t even finish the interview. 

Don't cry for me, Mother Russia.

His overwhelming emotion is all being attributed to the loss of his brother, but what also bears mentioning is that his wife suffered a miscarriage last year. Knowing quite a few people who have found themselves in a similar situation, it seems to me that the loss of a pregnancy can be just as traumatic as the loss of a sibling. And of course we can’t forget the bitter custody battle that Bode currently finds himself in with baby mama #2.

I don’t necessarily care for the way he’s handled a lot of his personal business, but the point is, Bode Miller had a rough year last year and, unfortunately for him, that fact became all too clear on a very public stage.

 

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Forget silver, Daniel's cloud is lined in gold.

And since we’re on the topic of sad things, it seems appropriate to mention Swedish cross-country skier, Daniel Richardsson. In July of last year, he and a friend were standing on the side of the road with a flat tire when an RV drove past, hitting them both. Richardssdon suffered some ligament damage and bruising. His friend was killed. But somehow Richardsson was able to push past the pain – both emotional and physical – to land himself a spot on his country’s 4 x 10 km relay.

And on Sunday, they won gold.

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While we’re on the topic of gold-winning athletes from other countries, it seems appropriate to mention Viktor Ahn. Ahn made headlines when he provided Russia with its first men’s short track gold medal.

He’s also made headlines for not being (born) Russian.

Ahn was born and raised in South Korea, but after winning his native country a slew of medals in the 2006 Olympics, he injured himself and, feeling that he wasn’t provided with adequate support, he decided to move to Russia. He changed his name from Ahn Hyun-Soo to Viktor Ahn, started training in his adopted country, became a Russian citizen and the rest, as they say, is Olympic history.

V for Viktor(y)

 

I would also like to take this moment to applaud Ahn and all Olympic athletes – both Summer and Winter – who train in the country they compete for. If you’re living and training in a specific country, I feel you should also compete for that country. In my opinion, if it’s a good enough country to represent, it’s a good enough country to live in.

But maybe I'm just talking crazy.

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“Do you believe in miracles?!” Who doesn’t get chills when Al Michaels yells that line at the end of Miracle, a movie that is allegedly based on a true story. Unfortunately, I wasn't alive to witness this "Miracle on Ice" so I can neither confirm nor deny its authenticity.

But rumor has it that the  “Miracle on Ice” was a hockey game played between the U.S. and the Soviet Union in the 1980 Winter Olympics. Despite the enthusiasm of the spectators, however, it wasn’t even a gold-medal match. It also wasn’t a winnable game for the Americans. Or so the world thought. But win it they did, which gave them the opportunity to play Finland for the gold medal. 

They also won that.

And the Americans repeated history on Saturday by beating the Russians yet again; but, just like in 1980, it wasn’t easy. TJ Oshie became a household name (sort of, I still had to Google it) and future Wheaties cover model when he led the United States to a 3-2 win over Russia. It came down to a shoot-out – and much like soccer shoot-outs, it involved no guns or dusty ghost towns. I know what you’re thinking: false advertising.

The only guns here are in the bicep area.

The team played again today, but apparently NBC only felt the need to show “highlights” of the game. So in case you missed the 30 seconds they dedicated to it tonight, let me be the first to tell you that the U.S. beat the Czech Republic today, which means they will play Canada in the semifinals. This also means that the United States is guaranteed a spot in either the bronze- or gold-medal game.

****************

The American men swept the ski slopestyle medals, with Joss Christensen winning the gold. My understanding is that Christensen was a bit of a dark horse and a controversial addition to the team. But he won the spot and the gold, despite the fact that his dad died last August. I’m starting to see a correlation between personal tragedy and Olympic skill. I don’t like it.

Gus Kenworthy (L), Joss Christensen (C), Nick Goepper (R)

 

****************

Finally, some history-making. On Monday night, Meryl Davis (when your name is Meryl, I’m pretty sure you either have to be an ice-skating phenom or an Oscar-caliber actor, otherwise it’s just sad) and Charlie White became the first American ice dancers since the invention of ice dancing – and America – to win gold. And they looked very cute doing it. They’ve been skating together for 17 years, which is basically since they were in utero, and seeing the way she looked at him and how she’d grab his arm periodically, it was clear that she finds great comfort in his presence. They’re kind of adorable. I hope they get married someday and have lots of little Olympian babies.      

 Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other's, well, you know...  

And now it’s time for me to stop talking and for you to start. (You probably thought this moment would never come.) Are there any note-worthy Olympic moments so far that you would add to the list? 

Practically Perfect in Every Way

It’s official. I want to be Cate Blanchett when I grow up.

I was already fairly certain of this fact, but after watching Lesley Stahl’s 60 Minutes interview with the Oscar winner last night, any lingering doubts I may have had completely disappeared.

Cate Blanchett is perfection. She’s beautiful. Stupidly talented. Tall. Self-deprecating. Low maintenance. Married to a normal-looking man. And has never, to my knowledge, had a nip slip.

She also appears to value her personal relationships over her career. Last year she resigned from her dream job as co-artistic director of the Sydney Theatre Company in order to mother her three boys, because apparently parenting isn’t something she and her husband, Andrew Upton, want to “outsource.”

Cate and her insourcing hubby

And recently she’s made headlines for dedicating her BAFTA win to friend Philip Seymour Hoffman, who died in February, saying, “You raised the bar continually. Phil, buddy, this is for you, you bastard. Hope you're proud." (She even makes the use of the word bastard sound classy.) She was also pictured bringing gifts to “Phil’s” children the day after his death, after having flown in from the west coast for this specific purpose.

  Cate and Philip Seymour Hoffman at the The Talented Mr. Ripley premiere in 1999.   

Unfortunately, there always has to be a hater in the group and, in this particular group, it’s Woody Allen. Allen directed Cate in her latest film Blue Jasmine, for which she won the aforementioned BAFTA, and apparently told her after her first few takes on the film that she was “awful.” Of course, Woody Allen’s not exactly known for his always impeccable judgment. On the other hand, I guess if anyone understands poor acting or acting poorly, it’s him.

As you may have noticed from the above clip, Cate is one of those rare characters that you can watch in an interview and come away liking even more. Other C/Kates might want to take note. Actually, not just C/Kates. There are quite a few people, in Hollywood especially, that could stand to learn that a little charm, class and humility go a long way.

Maybe Cate and I should teach a class.

Australia's Golden Wattle

Cate Blanchett is a very relatable woman but she also seems to get that she’s not “every woman”; that you can’t be “every woman” when you’re making 85 times more than most women – and, let’s be honest, men – make. In this respect, she appears to have a fair amount of self-awareness.

So, basically, she’s like the exact opposite of Oprah.

And I love her for that.

Obviously, though, there are also many reasons to love Cate that have very little to do with hating Oprah.

This is a woman who has made a reputation for herself as being a hard worker; a woman who has had to learn to balance work and family. Clearly she has it a lot easier than a lot of other people, but she’s still a working mom.

The term “working mother” gets thrown around a lot, and certain duchesses women are touted for somehow managing to “work” several hours a week, 2-3 times per year while also finding time to instruct their nannies on how to raise their children. Obviously acting isn’t the hardest job in the world, nor the most important (d’you hear that, Tom?), but I would argue that it’s a wee bit more strenuous and time-consuming than smiling, waving, and shaking hands for approximately 10 hours per month.

I mean, if we’re going to pick celebrities to be our role models, shouldn’t we pick someone like Cate? Someone with a personality? Someone with a strong work ethic? Someone who’s actually accomplished something?

Cate Blanchett is a real working mom. She’s a real role model. And she’s a real classy lady.

Perhaps other C/Kates should start paying attention. They might just learn something.

Love Hurts

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, my absolute favorite time of year (not), I thought it might be nice to bring you a story of love and soon-to-be marriage. It’s so rare that we get to highlight positive celebrity occurrences – mostly because they happen so infrequently – this seems like the perfect opportunity to live in the love and light for a moment.

If you’re familiar with the show American Horror Story, you’re probably also familiar with actor Evan Peters who’s been on the series since it started; and, if you’re familiar with breathing, you’ve also most likely heard of actress Julia Roberts. So what do these two have in common? Well, in about a hot minute they’re going to be related. Kind of.

Despite what I just made it sound like, however, Evan and Julia are not engaged. (After all, Julia prefers to date men who are already married.) No, Julia’s not marrying Evan, but her niece Emma is.

Emma Roberts. You may’ve heard of her. She was also on this season of American Horror Story, as well a bunch of other stuff that I can’t be bothered to look up right now. And, just like her aunt, she’s entirely overrated. Both as an actress and a human being. But that’s really inconsequential to this story.

Anyway, Evan and Emma are getting married! Apparently this love-struck duo met on the set of their film Adult World and, although Emma spent the entire shoot pulling out all of her favorite man-getting tricks, it wasn’t until after the film wrapped that she actually snagged the hunk of heaven that is Evan Peters. As someone who hasn’t always made the best decisions when it comes to keeping work and personal separate, I can appreciate that Evan made the adult choice to wait until he and Emma were no longer coworkers to start courting her, or as the kids say, hit that.

And the rest is history.

History in the making

Isn’t that the cutest and most romantic story you’ve ever heard? Doesn’t it just make you puke hearts and snot rainbows? Obviously theirs is a love for the ages. Except, oh wait, there is one thing. It’s small, though. Barely even bears mentioning.

She beats him.

Or, she did beat him. At least once. Allegedly.

It was almost seven months ago and, in fairness, some reports claim that both parties were injured, but the fact remains that Emma was the one arrested for domestic abuse last July after police were called to a Canadian hotel room where they found Evan bloodied and sporting a bite mark.

But instead of pressing charges, Evan decided to put a ring on it. I’m sure this is a decision that he’ll never ever, in any way, live to regret.

Anyway, that’s the CliffsNotes version of the saga that is Evan and Emma. A little love. A little violence. They’re basically living their own Lifetime movie. Will this marriage last? Probably not. Do Lifetime movies ever have happy endings?

But because tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, I’m going to attempt to end on a positive note. Although it’s unlikely that this union will last much longer than a bucket of chicken, when it does implode like a faulty firecracker, at least they’ll be able to split their monogrammed wedding gifts equally between them. (Get it? Because they'll have the same initials. Pretty darn good planning on their part.)

So at least there’s that.

After all, aren’t most acrimonious divorces a direct result of people not wanting to part with the guest towels?

And on that note, I hope you all have a marvelous Valentine’s Day.

But remember:

Going for Gold

Apparently I’m very ethnocentric. I didn’t really realize this about myself until I started watching this year’s Olympics, but I quickly learned that if it’s not someone from the United States skiing, skating, luging, or hockeying, I can’t really be bothered to care.

Or so I thought.

I was killing time last night, just waiting for it to be time for bed after a really crummy day at work, when I happened to catch the tail end of the men’s freestyle skiing moguls (I have no idea what that means, but it looks like hell on your knees) where I watched defending gold medalist, Canadian Alex Bilodeau complete his run. I’m told he did well. I couldn’t really tell. Unless the skier falls, every run looks exactly the same to me. What alerted me to the fact that Alex’s performance was especially good was the fact that commentator Johnny Moseley (remember him?!) got very excited.

But Johnny wasn’t the only thrilled spectator. As Alex crossed the finish line, the cameras cut to his brother Frederic and my Grinch-like heart grew almost as quickly as my jean size has recently.  

Brotherly Love

Frederic Bilodeau is a precious, precious man. And, according to his brother, he has the heart of a skier. Unfortunately, his body is afflicted with cerebral palsy, which makes skiing a bit difficult. In fact, according to his doctors, he shouldn’t even be walking. But he has the spirit of a fighter; and the joy on his face as he watched his brother compete was enough to bring a tear to my eye…or maybe that was the vodka.

Regardless, watching Frederic cheer on his little brother and then seeing the embrace the two shared afterwards, well, it was enough to thaw even the Grinchiest heart among us. It was so beautiful, in fact, that it almost made me forgive Canada for Justin Bieber.

Almost.